ME...

Mission Accomplished

2006-08-06T07:29:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day as a full time manager of the factoria tux shop. I'm still staying on staff to be on call for busy weekends or when someone is sick/needs to fill a shift. I went to Riverdog and got myself a job on my birthday. I waited more than an hour for an interview, but it was worth it. I'll be a staff member for doggie day care. Its not a well paid or a glamourous job, but it is a place to start in my pursuit to find my dream job. I get to work w/ dogs all day, so we'll see if that is my calling.

*(I won't be pulling cesar millan tricks for a while though)

It's about time!!!

2006-07-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a while. Usually I at least post once a month, so I'll be curious to see if anyone is actually still checking my page and reads this!

My time at the tux shop is coming to a close. I have both enjoyed and despised this job, but I've finally come to a point where I'm ready to move on. I won't leave this job until I have another one lined up. I'm understanding more and more how important it is to have a job that you love, that your heart is in. That's why I'm pursuing a job at Riverdog (a dog boarding/training facility in Issaquah) http://www.riverdogk9.com/

I love dogs, I'm at my happiest when I am around them. I also am very interested in learning more about dog behavior/psychology. I've spoken with the woman in charge of hiring. They are looking for a FT and a PT person to start at their dog C.A.M.P which is a daycare/training program. They also have an unpayed 20hr/wk apprenticeship starting in September for people to learn how to become a dog trainer. Its three months and they hire the best of their apprentices as dog trainers at their facility.

I've also started thinking about teaching again. Mostly because I'm seeing Julia have the whole summer off plus all kinds of holiday time and get paid a decent salary (more that me). That seems like a pretty good gig. We'll see...

Take Care!

Yo Peeps What Up!!!

2006-05-24T22:15:00.000-07:00

Yo, I got sick of checking my own blog and seeing the same post over and over... I've sat down to write a few different times, but just didn't know what to say. So, in the spirit of just getting a post up...

Every man should dress up in a really nice tux at least once a year. If for no other reason, do it for the woman in your life (if you have one). You'll feel like a million bucks, and any woman who likes a dressed up man will swoon. I'm telling you, every man who comes into my store in normal clothing and puts on a tux increases in attractiveness like 100 fold. Additionally, I literally watch their confidence increase and their mood elevate in a matter of minutes. It is not uncommon for the guys to spontaneously do a little tap number in their shiny shoes as they check themselves out in the mirror. It is also not uncommon for gushing girlfriends/fiances to bust out their camera phones to start getting permanent images of their transformed men. Of course there are exceptions to this rule in the case of really grumpy/jerky/and/or snobby men, but they are in the minority.

A word of warning for the younger men out there: DO NOT BRING YOUR MOTHER TO PICK OUT A TUX. Unless you have a really laid back mom, this will only serve to stress you and your poor salesperson out so much that the two of you will need to take turns restraining each other from knocking your mom unconscious w/ a cane and shoving her into a garment bag. Your mom will probably think she knows exactly what you should wear, what goes w/ what, and what is absolutely out of the question...she will probably be highly passive aggressive in trying to get your salesperson to take her side and coheres you into wearing a dorky bow tie and cummberbun set w/ pearl and gold studs because that was what was popular 20 years ago. In general, whatever you like she will have objections to and she will continue to whine and make comments intended to make you change your mind until she has surrendered her visa (to pay way to much for something she is sure the salesperson has over charged her for). If you are a baby and a mamma's boy you will probably leave the shop wearing an entirely different outfit than you would have chosen had you talked your mom into staying home and doing your laundry. Think about it.

Let's just say I'm not going to miss prom moms. There are a few cool ones--most of whom I never meet because they give their kids their credit card and stay the hell home--but most of the moms that come in the store drive me and my staff absolutely nuts!!!! They are soooo freaking obnoxious!!!! Just let your son dress how he wants for *his* prom, let us do our jobs, and shut the f*** up! Okay, that felt good...much better.

What if...

2006-04-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

What if you took it all away...all the color, lights, and mirrors
And all that was left was you
Naked and cold in the harshness of your own reality

What if you stood for more than a moment in the quiet...away from the noise and lies
And all you could hear was you
Screaming, crying, wailing for more

What if you held yourself there long enough to really feel it
And all you could feel was fear
Terrified of the truth and no longer able to comfort yourself with the lies

What if all your defenses were gone...nothing to numb the pain or to ease the ache
And all that was there didn't seem like enough
Unsure of yourself and disconnected from your strength and your truth

What if your life seemed empty and your hope seemed gone
And your only option was to come into the light of your truth
Small and weak and shielding your eyes from the brightness all around you

What if your truth was too big and your courage was too small
And you knew going back was death, but staying in the present felt impossible
Trapped and confused and longing to be hidden in the shadows once again

What if you broke out of the boundaries that kept you so small
And you found yourself still living and breathing for even a moment
Encouraged and empowered, if only a little

What if you built on that tiny seed of strength
And you got up each day a little bit stronger
A little bit braver, a little more you

Checking In

2006-04-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

My sugar detox lasted almost a day. Then I decided not to do a sugar detox.

I've started going to s-anon meetings (for codependents of sex addicts). I told John I'd go to an OA meeting by the end of the month.

Works going okay...I have days I want to quit so bad I can barely get myself there, and I have days when things are going smooth and I feel like I can stay there.

The dogs are doing well. Shadow has put on quite a few lbs--I think it is from getting older, eating puppy food for the last 6 months or so, and possibly being dewormed (if she had worms). Emma has started to do tiny little mini swims where she lets herself float out to where she can't touch and then does a paddle or two to get back to the safety of a rock or shallow area. We work on it a lot.

John and I are doing pretty good. We are each doing a lot of individual/couple work, there are times when emotions are pretty raw, but we are handling it quite well I think.

Just a spoon full of sugar...

2006-03-20T07:56:00.000-08:00

Today I am beginning detox--detox of sugar. My plan is to cut out all sugar foods (candy/ sweets /juice/jelly/pop/etc) including sugar substitutes and fruits for 2 wks. After 2 wks I'm going to add back in the sugar subs and the fruit and do just that for at least 2 more wks. I've noticed I've been binging on little debbies and other sugar foods a whole lot lately. I've gained weight, I am irritable, and I haven't been working out. I started eating lots of sugar when I'm stressed/depressed, but then it ends up making me feel more that way, so I'm stopping the cycle. I'm also recommiting to my training plan--I sure hope I can do it. Its been hard balancing life lately, but I know it is important to do good things for me.

I'm Registered

2006-03-13T10:04:00.000-08:00

Well, if I live through training, and then live through swimming a half mile in cold open water with seaweed, I will have completed my first sprint triathalon on August 20th. Now you peeps can stop harassing me about registering!!!!!

Happy March!

2006-03-01T08:14:00.000-08:00

Good Morning! March has arrived! One month until daylight savings people!!! The days are getting longer and longer. Last night I was driving to Issaquah to have dinner w/ Julia before puppy class, and it was bright and sunny after being grey and rainy all day. The windows were down, the sun was shining, and it was almost 5:30pm---happiness! :) Here's to long summer nights--nights w/ bright sunshine stretching past the 9 o'clock hour!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Loosing Things

2006-02-27T08:49:00.000-08:00

Hello all. I loose things a lot. It drives me nuts when I know that something is somewhere, but I have no idea where. At any given time in my life I usually have at least one item that is MIA. Right now it is my heart rate monitor strap, and my AMEX card. These items usually show up somewhere...and I usually find them within a few days, but others hang for a long time and then I find them...like my bellevue club card, and a set of keys I had written off. On rare occasions I loose something and eventually, after looking everywhere I can think of several times, I write it off as something that is never coming back...like a cell phone, various articles of clothing, and a drivers license. It is a terrible feeling not knowing where something is and not being able to find it...and, yet, I have a strong aversion to the kind of structured, routine, ridged way of living that would allow me to always know where everything is at any given moment. I'm a creative person who enjoys a certain amount of chaos (but I can't stand it when the chaos goes too far). Interestingly, my life seems to hinge right in the middle of the two...much of the time I'm on the edge of too much chaos...the kind that prevents me from finding my keys in any of the normal 10 or so spots I usually check:
Pocket-nope
Door Knob-nope
Counter-nope
Table-nope
Bed-nope
Purse-nope
Top of the fridge-nope
Locked in my car/or in my car-nope
In my trunk-nope
In a bag I carried in-nope
on my dresser--nope
in between my bed and dresser--nope
I do this kind of check for various items at least once a week...I wouldn't be surprised if it was almost daily--and yet I continue to organize (or, more accurately, rebel organizing) my life in a way that sets me up for the game of hot and cold in which no one knows what the heck temperature it is.
Currently my AMEX is driving me nuts...often I will misplace something and know about it for a few days, kind of keep it in the back of my mind expecting to happen across it all the while experiencing low level stress, and then when that fails I switch into high gear distress and run around like a crazy woman trying to find said item. I have entered this stage with my AMEX. I thought I'd write about it because I came in to check for it by my computer.

*sigh*

Checking in...

2006-02-19T08:04:00.000-08:00

Hello all. My life has been so consumed by my new job lately, that I'm having trouble thinking about what to write. I'm dreaming about it, thinking about it when I'm not there, and constantly learning new things and trying to get a handle on my store when I am there. I'm liking it more than I did in the beginning. It's fun having so much control over the outcome of the success of a store and a team of people---even though I'm winging everyday and hoping I'm doing alright.

I haven't been working out much--like 2x a week in the last few wks, and not even great work outs then. Part of it is that I'm on my feet most of the day at work, so my feet/ankles are really sore. My left ankle has been really irritated all this week. The two times I went to the gym I kind of suffered through a super minimalist treadmill "workout" (couldn't get my heart rate that high). I'm hoping as my body gets more used to work I'll be able to work out more again. I also know I can still go and lift weights, and do cardo that is less strenuous on my ankle....its just those darn treadmills with the built in TVs have me hooked...now the thought of doing another machine sucks! :) Also, swimming/water walking would be a lot easier on my body, but I'm self conscious about my body more at this club than at the Y. One final excuse, I can't find my heart rate strap, so working out sucks w/out it. I'm so used to it--it is an integral part of my work outs, so it is hard to do w/out it. Yes, I have one heck of an argument of self sabotage going here...at least I can admit it!

I'm supposed to do the Danskin this year, but I am feeling discouraged at my lack of progress in that direction. I really need to get w/the program and start a training program for it, and stick to that program. Maybe a visit to a doc is in order about my ankles/the training program in general for advice/clearance. I hate going to the doctors...

Man my self talk is kinda negative today...kind of self defeating. It doesn't surprise me though...I've had a sense in the last few weeks that I haven't been doing great...I haven't stopped to pay much attention to myself during this new job phase, but I've kinda known in the background everything else I do to take care of myself was falling apart while I learned about the magical world of men's formal ware.

Need to rent a tux? I'm your girl!

2006-02-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

Sorry its been so long since my last post. It is interesting how life speeds up when we get occupied w/ something and so many other things can drop...

My life for the last two weeks has revolved around tuxes. I know more about tuxes/ordering tuxes/options for tuxes than I ever would have imagined I would in my lifetime. It has been nice having something to learn...feels like I'm exercising my brain/my academic skills for the first time in a while. It has also been stressful because this eastside group of stores have fallen apart for the company, and a lot of stuff is in disarray...including the store I am managing at the Factoria Mall. Also, its my first time back in the face to face customer service game in a while, and my first time managing a retail store. I've been working some long days, which means some nice paychecks, but it is also really tiring.

For those of you just dying to rent the pictured tux....I have an exact match of each item displayed for rent at my shop!

I'll try to post more often, love to all!

Can someone pull this semi out of my ass?

2006-01-19T08:12:00.000-08:00

Edit: I must give credit where credit is due...John came up with the title for this blog entry...I liked it, so I went w/ it--I officially give this blog a pg-13 rating! ;)

The bad news: Last night John and I got into an accident with a semi truck.
The good news: No one was hurt....
The bad news: Except Johns beautiful well taken care of car.

This is one of those times a blog comes in handy because when an event happens that is major enough to merit telling everyone you know it can get tiring and old to tell the story over and over...plus some of the details get lost along the way like a good old fashioned game of telephone. It is important to tell everyone you know about such a story so it doesn't come up in causal conversation: "yeah, like the time we got sideswiped by a semi" and the person you are talking w/(like Heids/Shells) shrieks, "WHAT--WHEN WAS THIS---YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT THIS!!!").

So, now that I've explained why it is critical to explain this event in my blog...let's get on w/ it.

John and I were driving home from an intense marriage counseling session (so we were already feeling the effects of going through an emotional wringer). We were merging onto I405 N from 167N. John came around the semi in the car pool lane and was in front of the semi. The semi didn't like that so much and flashed his brights at John. Next, the semi moved from behind John into the left lane (that was about the end). He seemed hell bent to get in front of John, even though we were already ahead of him and immediately behind another car. The truck caught up so we were driving side by side with the front part of it. Neither John nor the truck changed their course or speed. I think of it as a game of chicken w/ a sideways twist. ;) Eventually, as the lane narrowed, the truck scraped right up against us. One of the massive lugnuts from the trucks huge tires (see front tire in pic) punctured into Johns Left rear side and tore through his car like tin foil and became lodged into his left rear tire. John tried to pull away from the truck, but his wheels just spun. And there we sat, stuck together, blocking the entire entrance to 405 during rush hour. Eventually peeps figured out what was up and started going around us on the right shoulder.

I picked up John's phone to call 911, but I was so shaken up it took me a couple of tries. By the time I got through the operator said a cop was on the way and that other people had already called it in. For those of you who have been an accident (I imagine most) you know what I'm talking about when I say how horrible the sound of your car being ripped into is. It is this crumbling loud sound of destruction that is absolutely horrible. I was in a very serious roll over accident when I was 9. Had it not been for our seat belts my mom, sister, and I would have been seriously injured or worse. Now I think I have something of a post tramatic stress response every time I hear the noises... I can't think right, I'm shaky, my stomach gets really upset, my breathing quickens and becomes more strained, etc. It took me a couple hrs to feel back to normal after last night even though we weren't hurt and the accident happened at low speeds. I remember after the accident was done and I was calling 911 I said to John, "don't let us die". I mean what would have happened to make us die at that point?!?

Anyway, the cop arrived, had John crank his wheel and gun it, and then we were able to rip a nice hole in our tire and free ourselves from the semi. We got some substantial damage to a concentrated part of John's car (at least a few thousand dollars worth and a ruined tire) and the semi like nothing...maybe a small scratch or two. The officer said he was deciding no one is at fault (because our stories of what happened didn't line up with what the semi truck/passenger claimed), and unless a witness calls in it would stay that way. So, we are going to be stuck with a hefty deductible and higher insurance rates.

A dude came and replaced our tire, and we were on our way home.

John is super bummed about the injustice of the situation...how an aggressive driver got away w/ no consequences. His feelings are totally understandable. It sucks to see him so bummed. I'm not as upset about that, just more disturbed by the accident itself and that I will probably be a more paranoid driver, especially when it comes to merging and semis, for a while.

However, I can't help but see the silver lining to this cloud. John and I are okay--that is the biggest relief. No one was hurt. It was a good lesson/reminder in defensive driving for both of us.

I'm finding it pretty easy to let the whole thing go...chalk it up to the classic phrase, "shit happens". Sucky things happen, but it is important to let go of the things that we can't do anything about and move on.

Love to all!

I'M THE BOSS!!!

2006-01-17T11:23:00.000-08:00

Yo peeps. I have accepted a position with a tux company to be the store manager of one of their stores in downtown Bellevue. The pay is decent (more than I've made in the past) and they provide full benifits. Plus, I get to be the BOSS---POWER!!!! I saw the office for the first time since the pilot last night. It's the episode where the boss burns his foot on a Foreman grill and then comes into work with it wrapped in bubble wrap---freakin' hillarious stuff people!!! Anyway, I hope I'm a way better boss than that dude! So, this is something very different, but I'm looking forward to giving it a shot. I start at the end of the month (I'm not sure of the exact date yet).

Blah Blah Blues--The Next Greatest Hit

2006-01-12T10:27:00.000-08:00

*sigh* blah blah blah-ditty-blah
Dreaming of sandy beaches, clear warm water, and no where to be....
Its like the 25th day in which we've had rain at some point...most of those days have been fairly heavy rain almost all day, and others have been super windy. RAIN RAIN GO THE HELL AWAY!!!!! Ah, a spin on an old favorite.
I have a heavy heart today. Heavy hearts + dreary weather for almost a month=Melancholy/Depression...not that I've needed dreary weather to be depressed
Yes, I already know what many of you would say about that....I can choose my response to dreary weather and the things that I would say have *caused* my heavy heart. You would tell me that those unfortunate things can't cause my feelings, I choose them...further, I choose the label of "unfortunate" things rather than seeing the good in them. Its good that you are in that place, however you got there...CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), spiritual enlightenment, good modeling, or a personal epiphany. I'm not there...at least not all of the time. I'm sad.[period]

My 13 year old

2006-01-11T15:16:00.000-08:00

One of my therapists once told me that sometimes she sees me as a thirteen year old girl flicking off the whole world. How insightful. Ever since she told me that I have had so many moments when I hear myself talk/think/ or make decisions and I totally see that girl. You know what? I love that girl...I'm attached to that girl.

There have been many times when that girl has been a real pain in the butt...when I've had to have others intervine and help me help her out. I've had to help her calm down and make the "right" decision.

On the other hand, sometimes I feel like she really serves me well. She helps protect me and stand up for myself. She tells everyone else not to mess with me. She helps make me feel better when I start to feel bad for not doing it right, not doing enough, or not being enough.

But she also gives me an excuse to stay stuck in patterns that, ultimatly, I don't want to be in. She says its totally alright to make impulsive decisions and to say "screw it" after one, often minor, flaw in situations that could be good if I stuck them out. She helped me today when I read Steve and Jess's reply to my most recent blog posting and started to feel defensive...as though they were lecturing me or something. She said "whatever people, easy for you to say." She helps me to remain a victim. She says, "hey you are doing enough lady, look at all you've been through, all you're going through...you should totally just sit down and refuse to participate---you don't have to do this stuff. You don't have to be responsible. You can do whatever the hell you want. "

Essentially before I even interact with someone, this is what she is saying, "you mess with her, you mess with me, and we aren't going to put up with anything---nothing---we don't even have to be participating in the responsible adult world, so you better not piss us off". "We don't need you". "You can't hurt us if we don't need you".

By the way, don't judge my little girl...it really pisses her off!

Ramblings from a psychology graduate...

2006-01-10T22:09:00.000-08:00

It’s amazing how much one human being can bare. The burdens, responsibilities, secrets, hopes, dreams, fears, failure…its amazing how one person can be bursting with pride and, with the blink of an eye, be cowering with shame. One individual can do something that rips someone’s heart out and smashes it to pieces and only days later say something that fills someone’s spirit with more joy than they have ever experienced. Most of us will probably do both more than once during our time here. Each of us are daily experiencing good vs. evil, pain vs. joy, love vs. hate, and everything in between. How is this possible? How can we be strong enough to withstand such a wide fluctuation of experiences? How can I hurt, hate, and discriminate in some situations while nurturing, loving, and accepting in others? How can I navigate life when I don’t know which of the millions of combinations of emotions/perspectives/systems each person I interact with will be approaching me with? Will they be nice, standoffish, and helpful; or, will they be blunt, insecure, and kind? Who knows!!!! How will I be in any given situation?

I will certainly not conduct myself the same in every situation; although, that seems to be the goal of many. There is definitely something very appealing and comforting about the thought that I could present as an authentic, consistent whole all of the time despite the setting. Unfortunately, things just aren’t that simple. I bring with me my unique set of experiences, thoughts, and behaviors, as does each person I interact with. When I get together with someone else our “stuff” mingles and mixes and we have a unique interaction that only two people with our exact backgrounds can have. You know, it is that psych 101 “the whole is greater than the sum of the parts” thing. My behavior is different, to varying degrees, depending on who I am interacting with.

Ramblings of a psychology graduate…

Sometimes I wish there was less of a spectrum of emotions/moods. I think I would be willing to trade in the extremes of happiness/joy in order to eliminate their counterparts in the sadness/depression arena. Or would I? I think I would…maybe that is just because I have been wading around in the muck for a while…Maybe I need mood leveling drugs or somethin’, who knows. All I know is that I don’t remember many times in my life when I’ve felt level, calm, at peace. I’ve spent way more time towards the ends of the spectrums. I’m sad, happy, scared, anxious, excited, tense, or painfully numb. So, I’m thinking there is painfully numb which would be coping by hiding from bad stuff with food, drugs, tv, denial and there is joyfully numb which is at peace, content, level, absence of strong feelings...a centering…a feeling of being grounded. It is these feelings I long for…it is these feelings I’m not sure I’ve ever had for more than a fleeting moment or two. Does anyone know of a legal prescription drug that will create this feeling? My anti-depressents aren’t doing it.

Well, I’ve been feeling kinda sad/melancholy tonight and John’s working late. So, I thought I would lay down some words to send off to cyberspace. Thanks for hanging with me through my ramblings!

Stairmaster...need I say more?

2006-01-05T11:37:00.000-08:00

Hey all. The stairmaster kicked my butt for 20 minutes today and then I did some arm weights. Stairmasters are crazy...I had it on the lowest level and my heart rate was still higher than I normally like to exercise at. I had to switch to the treadmill to have an active cool down. I remember around the time I was at my lowest weight on Atkins Heidi and I consistently worked out on them and I was able to get better and better and do higher levels. I'm sure I'll be there again soon.

John and I now have a membership to the elite Bellevue Club, thanks to my wonderful in-laws, and we've gone together 3 times this week in the morning. It is really nice to have a workout buddy again, and I'm feeling really good having added regular weight training back into my workouts. This morning I fit into dress pants my mom gave me that were way to tight this summer!!! Woo Hoo!!! :) I haven't weighed myself in a while...I'm trying not to get addicted to the scale and the rollercoaster of emotions/numbers that come with it on a daily basis.

Anyway, wanted to check in and say I've been doing well in the workout department this week! :)

Shadow

2006-01-03T16:11:00.000-08:00

My beautiful girl. With all this talk/focus
on baby Emma lately I thought I'd put
a great pic of my 5 yr old black lab,
Shadow, that I took one day while
photographing the puppies. I'm
pretty sure that is Emma napping in
the background to the left. I love how this pic turned out! The black and white is perfect!!! :) Shadow has been absolutely wonderful with Emma and the adjustment to our new house/schedule. She is a great dog, and I love her sooo much!!!

I want it---I'm gonna get it

2006-01-03T15:32:00.000-08:00

Hey all. So, you may have noticed the new title of my blog. It sums up the space I am in right now. The rest of the lyrics of the song, Babylon, by David Grey don't really fit/make sense to me, but those couple of lines "if you want it--come and get it--for crying out loud" have been playing over and over in my mind lately. I am getting really sick of sitting around waiting for someone/thing to save me from the mess my life seems to be in. I am moving over into the drivers seat of my life. I've been feeling really low about feeling low for a long time...a big part of that is my low self esteem. I know I can be in control of how I see/carry myself, and how I allow/lead others to treat me, so I'm feeling ready to step up and grab hold of that control.

I have not been connected to Michele in a long time. I have been a shell of a person surviving my way through life...being blown around in the wind and the waves. I'm ready to throw out my anchor and center myself. I'm ready to go out and get what I want...what I deserve. I'm working on a set of goals and steps to achieve them for 2006. I will post them when they are complete.

The recent crisis in my marriage left me thinking about what I would be left with if I were to start out all over on my own. It made me realize that I haven't done the work I need to do to develop myself as an individual and create a solid support system of friends independent of John's family/mutual friends. When I thought about what it might be like to start over, part of me was intrigued because I saw how it would be an opportunity for soul searching, self discovery, and lots of work on myself and my place in the world. I am seeing that I can do that right now, and it is critical to my personal happiness married or not. I need to know, not just hope, that I can stand on my own two feet emotionally and practically.

I started yesterday by cleaning and designing my room. I have a room in the house John/Julia/I are renting that is all my own. It turned out great. I have pictures (old and new) all over my walls with positive affirmations I drew/wrote on big sheets of drawing paper, also I have cards from Heidi, Shelly, and my parents through the years displayed. I have special notes from people I've known/know on my walls/tables. I have my desk in my closet so that it can be hidden behind curtains I put up when I don't want to be working. I covered my dogs' crates with sheets so they can be in the room with me, but their crates aren't uglifying the room/they serve as tables. It is way cool. I'll try to take some pics of it and put them up.

Wednesday Morning Self-Counseling Session

2005-12-28T08:25:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to get the hang of this work thing again. I'm actually feeling happy to be here today, and excited for the day---holy crap, what happened to Michele? It is really nice to wake up and have to be somewhere doing specific things instead of waking up every morning and trying to be productive and plan a good day.

John and I are going to work on individual/couple goals. I'm excited for that because I really need a focus/focuses. I need things to be working towards/looking forward to in order to feel like I have a future, and it is a future worth being around for. I need to feel like I have a plan, structure, so I have purpose. For quite a while now I haven't felt that way. I've felt like I'm just making it through every day, but I'd rather not be. I've felt really dejected and apathetic. I've thought to myself, "what's the point?". Life didn't go the way I thought it would (get a degree, get a great career, and happily ever after), so I've effectively laid down in a puddle of disappointment, discouragement, frustration, and surrender. Slowly, I'm finding more and more inspiration to get up, dry off, straighten up, and move forward with a PLAN (imagine that, things don't happen with a vague idea of what to do and a belief that that they will) so my life will move in my chosen direction.

So much of the time lately I have been gripped by this vague feeling of surrender. Let me try to write down the dialogue that may be going through my mind and creating this feeling...
"It's not worth trying, everything is so hard, such a struggle, and there are no guarantees...I might as well try to get through each day with as little pain, struggle, and stress as possible even if that means not being as happy as I could be. If I can just get through the day and then go to bed and start all over tomorrow I will get through, I will be in this world, and that is as much as I can do right now. If only I didn't have to do these bare minimums of life. If only I could get up, bring a blanket to the couch, and watch TV all day. If only I could just numb out all day and feel safe and blank. Blank is better than pain. Blank is better than fear. Blank is better than shame, and guilt, and feeling like a loser. Blank is better than hearing those thoughts running through my head..."You're crap, you aren't worth it". Why? Why do I struggle with these thoughts? Where did this come from, and how can I change it? Why do I abuse myself this way? Why do I feel sooo terrible about myself?

Well, luckily I have some ideas...it is putting them into practice when I feel weighed down by this apathy and negative thinking that is difficult. I learned in my anxiety group at SPU about positive affirmations. Saying every day, multiple times a day positive statements about yourself. The idea is if you say these positive things over and over, eventually you can change the negative dialogue in your head. Eventually you can start to believe them. Believing them and accepting them are two different things. That last statement just popped into my head. Interesting.

So, it seems there is something inside of me that is resistant to accepting that I am a good person and that I do have worth and value; that I am special, and that I can achieve great, important things. Why? We'll try a Starting Over exercise. If I accept that I am a good person with value and worth than: the crappy horrible person won't be able to stick around anymore and if the crappy horrible person won't be able to stick around anymore than: I won't know who I am anymore and I love/like that crappy horrible person because she can't be expected to achieve much or perform well so: I'll be expected to perform well and do well and be great and be happy a lot of the time and if I'm happy a lot of the time and performing well than: I won't be taken care of and loved.

Wow, that exercise led me to some memories. When I was younger in school I remember making a way bigger deal out of a minor injury/sickness than I needed to. I did this because I desperately wanted/needed the loving compassion/attention from a caretaker that is associated with these things. My guess is that I was hurting a lot emotionally, but I couldn't conceptualize that, so I funneled those things into any little physical problem so I could get the love/comfort I needed.

So, it is possible that my negative alter ego has been a necessary evil, or at least that is how I've operated. The part of me that is bad and horrible and broken is desperately hurting, and naturally needs love and comfort...Perhaps I am operating from the assumption that the only way to be loved and taken care of is to keep her around. If I'm too strong and confident than I won't be broken and need a surplus of attention/love/compassion---than there won't be a reason for people to continue pouring these things into this deficit I have.

Why do I have such a deficit of these things? Could it be a cycle? I continue to be entrenched in this negative Michele in order to get attention/love/compassion, but that makes me need those things more...? That makes sense. So, the way out of the cycle is to break away from the horrible/dark/negative Michele, the whole while making sure I'm continuing to give/get myself a whole ton of attention/love/compassion/comfort.

Hmmmmm. Interesting...

Workin' Woman

2005-12-27T14:30:00.000-08:00

Well, finally I have somewhere to be from 8-5pm. At least peeps can't call me a slacker or somethin' anymore. I got a 5wk placement (through the end of Jan) for a company, Captaris, in downtown Bellevue. They are a software development company. I work in a nice skyscraper and even have to wear business casual to work everyday (first time in quite a while). The people are pretty friendly so far, but the job has been pretty boring. Lots of downtown with nothing to do. I'm the front desk receptionist, so I answer phones, greet visitors, get mail, disperse it, post it, and send it, sign for packages, etc. I just emailed my supervisors asking them for projects/work to do during down times, so hopefully they will give me some soon. Time drags when you are just sitting around surfing the net and playing hearts on the computer. I wish I didn't have to work a job for money at all....don't we all. Hopefully I will attain a lasting/satisfying career in the near future. I know I'm in the drivers seat with that one...I just need to put the pedal to the metal baby!!!!!!!!!

I can help you find your soulmate!!!!! Just pay 59.99, and in 8 short wks...

2005-12-14T07:03:00.000-08:00

So, I might be an employee of equally yoked, a Christian "club" aka "hook up" agency. I would work full time 12:30-9pm setting up appointments on the phone for people to come in and learn more about the agency/sign up. I think it is outbound cold calls, outbound warm calls, and incoming calls (call center lingo). I would be the only one doing this job for that particular shift, so its not like hundreds of people surrounding me in cubicles. It pays $10/hr base + bonuses. The person I spoke with said starting I should make roughly 30,000 (which has been my target salary). You never know when it isn't guaranteed, but it is an intriguing job possibility. It is by southcenter mall, so a bit of a commute (mapquest says 15 miles 20 minutes), and I wouldn't be driving during high traffic times...but anyone who knows me knows I don't like driving, especially places I don't know well, after dark, and during bad whether. So, that is one minor concern, but there is always the bus. If everything else feels good, and they offer me the job, I'll probably take it. Just getting a job would be a huge relief. The hours aren't highly desirable, but it would the dogs less time when they are alone at home which would be really good for them. I'll post how it goes!

WHY PEOPLE, WHY!?!?!!?!!!

2005-12-10T18:12:00.000-08:00

I despise those tacky ribbons people have on their cars. Just having this picture on my blog is stressing me out!!! I'm not sure where exactly this strong feeling of disgust comes from every time I see a white mini van sporting 3 tacky big ribbons on its rear end, but it drives me nuts. They are sooooo ugly people! They belong on a pin on a tux of some celebrity, or maybe even tied to an antenna like the old days, but they do not belong defacing a perfectly good car like some oversized magnet who lost its way to the fridge!!! I'm all for supporting a cause, but could these people just not be so freakin' tacky about it? What happened to a simple bumper sticker? Yuck, I wish I didn't have to see those things almost every time I drive somewhere!

Beating the Blues with Structure...I hope!

2005-12-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

Hey all. So, this morning I awoke with a feeling that is becoming all to familiar. Apathy, depression, a feeling of just wanting to lay around watching TV or doing something fun and empty all day. Wanting to crawl back into bed and make the blank slate of a new day wait for a while. However, I can't crawl back to bed because I have been waking and staying up between 5am-7am almost without fail for the last 6 months. Once I wake up, there tends to be no going back to sleep. I talked to John about this problem this morning and he recommended following a routine. That way I have more structure and I don't wake up every morning knowing I have stuff I should be doing, but not having a plan to do it.

So, I've come up with a rough draft of a routine trying to include everything and have it be balanced and with some room for "flex time". I wish there was more flex time in the routine, but I couldn't figure out how to do that and still get in everything I wanted to accomplish each day. Here it is:

Tuesday-Friday:

7am-Center for the day, pray, rise for the day
7:05- Feed dogs
7:05-7:12-Eat Breakfast
7:20-7:30- Take dogs out, play, crate
7:30-8:30 Work Out or Job search (Mondays)
8:30-9:00- Shower/ Dress/ Hair/ Makeup
9:00-9:30- BSF
9:30-9:45-Dogs out/crate
9:45-11:45-Job Search
11:45-12:15-Feed dogs/ eat lunch
12:15-1:00- Dogs out, play, crate
1:00-3:00- Job search/ snack
3:00-3:30- Meditation/ Affirmations
3:30-3:45- Dogs out
3:45-5:15: Cleaning/Housework/Errands
5:15-5:45- Feed Dogs, Take out, Flex Time
5:45-615- Prepare Dinner
6:15-7- Eat Dinner/flex time
7-7:30- Healing time---books/journaling (John does dogs out/play)
7:30-8:30- Talk with John
8:30-10- FlexÂTV/Games
10-10:15- Dogs outside, crate
10:15-11pm-In bed, asleep by 11pm

What do you guys think?

Chinese Baby!!!!!

2005-12-07T15:49:00.000-08:00

My lovely sister Heidi IMed me today and said she wants to take me out to dinner!!! At P.F. Changs---WOOHOOOO!!!! I haven't eaten there in a really long time. Eating out is really special for me these days since we've been watching our "dining" budget really closly for quite a while. So everytime I go out to eat it is special.

Plus, we get to have quality sis time. It'll be awesome!!!

Eating a Pint of B&J's in front of the TV...

2005-12-01T09:14:00.000-08:00

Well, good news on the physical health front. I didn't need to have a seat belt extention on either of our plane rides to and from MN for Thanksgiving. In fact I had inches to spare! This was a REALLY good feeling. It has been embarrassing/shaming needing one on previous flights in the last year. Also, I tried on some jeans from my "to small" pile and they fit! They are pretty snug, but they actually button!

I've lost between 20-27lbs in about 5 months which is pretty good. Certainly not "biggest loser" pace, but the important thing is it has been coming off. One huge benefit to slower weight loss is that I'm not feeling deprived or controlled by being on a program of some type. Instead, I have lost it due to increasing my exercise (thanks to being around more people to do stuff with, and my goals being monitored and validated by my personal training, Julia Rauch), also I haven't eaten as much or as poorly while living with the fam because I'm not eating out of loneliness/boredom nearly as much and my wonderful mother-in-law keeps lots of healthy food around and cooks well balanced meals every night. Now that I am on day two living in our rental house without the fam around, I am seeing how my real challenge has begun in many ways. It is up to me to fill my kitchen with healthy meals and to cook balanced meals. It is up to me not to eat the whole pint of Ben and Jerry's while watching TV when I'm home alone at night (confession from last night). It is up to me to keep my social calendar full so I'm not feeling as alone. This is important for both my physical and mental health.

What to do with my life...

2005-11-21T12:44:00.000-08:00

Your Career Type: Social

You are helpful, friendly, and trustworthy.

Your talents lie in teaching, nursing, giving information, and solving social problems.

You would make an excellent:

Counselor - Dental Hygienist - Librarian

Nurse - Parole Officer - Personal Trainer

Physical Therapist - Social Worker - Teacher

The worst career options for your are realistic careers, like truck driver or farmer.

What's Your Ideal Career?

Farewell Babies!!!

2005-11-21T10:58:00.000-08:00

It all happened so fast...

All three of the remaining puppies were sold with in 24 hrs this weekend. "Green" and "Black" were sold Saturday night within a half hour of each other and "Yellow" on Sunday afternoon. I think they will all be treated well in their new homes (Black hit the jackpot when he was sold to a very nice young married couple...The husband will be bringing him to work everyday!!!). I'm glad they will be with families who will give them all the attention they need, and I'm also glad the burden has lifted, and it won't be such an undertaking to manage 5 crazy pups. Now we are just beginning crate training for 2 crazy pups--quite the task on its own.

To Green--aka "sergeant sage", Black--aka "Pedro" my almost baby, and Yellow--aka "Mellow Yellow who's not so mellow", I love you all. Each of you are special for so many reason, some unique to your personality, and some that all of you share. It has been an amazing journey being a 2nd mom to you. I was with you from the moment you took your first breath during one long and amazing night, and I spent time with you almost every day after that; I took care of you by feeding you, giving you water, playing with you, protecting you, making sure you were warm enough, teaching you, bathing and grooming you, cleaning your kennel...doing everything I could to ensure you would have a good start and be happy, healthy, well adjusted pups. I know there are things I could have done better, I know you needed more time with people, and more time to run and play. I wish I could have given you the absolute perfect start, but I know no one can be perfect, and no baby can have a perfect start. I know you would forgive me for that in a second and come running with wagging tails, and I will forgive myself too. Everything I've done for these 3 months (hard to believe) has truly been a labor of love, and I'm so blessed to have had this opportunity.

So long Green, Black, and Yellow. I hope you each have the wonderful lives you deserve!

Snapshot of Michele (AKA Cheesy Internet Quiz)

2005-11-17T19:41:00.000-08:00

I put a lot of thought into this...even if it is kind of cheesy

Three screen names that you’ve had: blue_rain_soul, Truecolors24, Lynn Sue
Three things you like about yourself: my smile, my eyes, my insightfulness
Three things you don’t like about yourself: extra lbs, self consciousness, sometimes I don't recognize myself for the special, valuable person that I am
Three parts of your heritage: Irish, German, and Scandinavian
Three things that scare you: death, spiders, driving on the freeway in heavy rain/ice/snow Three of your everyday essentials: Water, Oxygen, Food
Three things you are wearing right now: Jeans, Hair Clip, Nail Polish
Three of your current favorite songs: Because of You--Kelly Clarkston, Stacy's Mom--Fountains Of Wayne, True Colors--Phil Colons
Three things you want in a relationship: trust, honesty, respect
Three things you can’t live without: family, friends, pets
Three places you want to go on vacation: Maui (again and again), Prince Edward Island, Ireland
Three things you just can’t do: cartwheel, whistle a tune, an Ironman--at least not today... Three kids names: I don’t know…I’m really over thinking this one, burn out from naming our puppy, Emma, I guess
Three things you want to do before you die: live--(feel fully, passionately, intensely alive), stand up for someone/thing who can't stand up for them/its self despite the probability of some type of potential harm to myself (experience true selflessness for the wellbeing of another), come to acceptance/peace with my own death
Three celeb crushes: Colin Firth ("I love you just as you are", "yes they f----- do") be still my beating heart, Jonathan Crombie (Gilbert on Anne of Green Gables), Tom Hanks
Three of your favorite musicians: Alanis Moresette, Dixie Chicks, Trans Siberian Orchestra
Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you: broad shoulders, muscles, deep voice
Three non-physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you: gallant (definition: courteous and thoughtful toward woman/brave, spirited, and honorable), attentive, responsible
Three of your favorite hobbies: virtual photo albums, tennis, reality TV
Three things you really want to do badly right now: escape responsibility, relax, spend lots of money on everything I want and on Christmas presents for all my family/friends
Three careers you’re considering/you’ve considered: Teacher, Psychologist, Animal trainer

Emma

2005-11-17T14:52:00.000-08:00

Hello again to my faithful readers! Well I changed my mind once and for all about my puppy selection. Yes, I know I've said that before, but this time I have a signed contract with two witnesses (julia/nic). We adopted the little girl who went by the name of "blue" and have named her Emma. John isn't to excited about the name, but I think he is going to let it stick. :) She is such a sweety pie. Her temprament is calm and a bit timid. She is going to take some reassuring in new/potentially overwhelming situations, but she is well worth it!

Pedelin'

2005-11-04T07:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday while Nic was in his swim lesson I worked out on a stationary bike. I biked 10 miles in 45 minutes...I had to push myself to make the even 10---down to the last few seconds, but I did it! It felt absolutly awesome! Yesterday was a really hard day, and working out hard was just the thing to lift my spirits. I really felt those endorphins flowing afterwards. I am already at 3 workouts (all of which have been 55min or more) for the week. If I work out the next two days I will have achieved 5 workouts in a week for the first time in at least two months (which is my goal). It feels really good to be getting back on track! :)

True Colors

2005-11-03T17:52:00.000-08:00

While I was driving Nic home from swim practice tonight the song True Colors by Phil Collins started playing on a cd I hadn't listened to in a while. I go by the name truecolors24 on various web sites and started doing so about 6 years ago or so. I like the song so much because it talks about just letting your true colors show because they are beautiful. You don't need to pretend to be anyone but exactly who you are. You are worthwhile, lovable, and special just as you are at any given moment. Anyone who is meant to be in your life will love you right where you are at and love you for you. Most importantly, it is important for you to love yourself right where you are at, and to know you are beautiful even when things in your life seem ugly and insurmountable.

This is an especially important message for me to hear and internalize at this point in my life. Many things are highly uncertain right now. I don't know where I'll be in 6 months...or next week for that matter. I don't know if John and I will be together, separated, or divorced. I don't know if I'll be living in WA or MN, or who I'll be living with, if I'm living with anyone. I don't know if Shadow/my new pup will be with me, or if I'll still have a relationship with John's family. I don't know what I will be doing for work, or what kind of work I will be doing. I don't know if I'll be living in a three bedroom home and preparing to start a family, or if I'll be living in a studio apartment in MN with a cat I have yet to adopt.

The point is I'll be okay no matter what because I am a beautiful person...a strong person...a person of value and substance, and I don't need anyone else to validate that, or take care of me. It is a hard concept to hold on to and believe whole heartedly, but I know in my heart it is true. No matter what happens I know I need to grow stronger as an individual and love/take care of myself the way I would if I was constantly living from the belief that I am a beautiful/valuable woman. On the surface it doesn't sound that hard, but it is for me...it has been/will be a long road, but I know it is work I must do for myself.

I'm not perfect...I mess up all the time...I hurt myself and other people. I get jealous, I get mad, and I say things I regret later. No one is perfect, and I need to stop operating from the belief that I must be. My creator made me and knew I am not/ would not be perfect, but he loves me unconditionally and completely. I need to understand this, and to love myself and others despite our flaws. Actually, it is the flaws, the vulnerabilities that bring human beings together the most. We hurt, we suffer, we mess up--that is when we need eachother the most---that is when we can most relate to eachother, and when you see someone else suffering at the hands of their own humanness you are able to love and connect with them because you know their pain. If we were perfect we wouldn't be able to relate to one another that way.

Here's to being flawed!!! Don't worry about, don't try to hide it...we love you anyway---actually we love you more when you let us inside your vulnerabilities. Don't be so hard on yourself, and I'll try to do the same!

In case you're interested here are the lyrics of True Colors:

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courageIn a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness, inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining throughI see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

So sad eyes
Discouraged now
Realize
When this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining throughI see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors, true colors
Their a shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Beautiful, like a rainbow

Letting things slide...

2005-11-03T12:42:00.000-08:00

I have a real problem. When my life gets stressful...when I'm dealing with one issue that feels all consuming I start letting everything else drop. John and I have been struggling with some intense stuff the last couple of months, and I have let so many other things go unattended. I haven't been calling/writing/emailing/setting up outings with any of my friends. If people call or email me most of the time I never end up responding, or it takes me a long time. How can a simple phone call feel like such a monumental task?

Its like when big things are going on inside of me I have to drop contact with people because I have to hold it inside in process. I'll let maybe a few people in on a lot of the details, and use them as a sounding board or seek their advice, but the vast majority of the relationships in my life are left on hold with the minimum amount of effort put into them. It's frustrating, because I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I just don't have the mental energy to talk to a lot of people...to go over the same details numerous times...to bring people along for this roller coaster. I start to isolate when I know I need to feel as much support around me as possible.

I've also noticed today that I drop doing things for myself. I've been terrible about exercise (avg 2 workouts a week, in the earlier weeks 0 or 1) since finding out what John had done, I haven't been sleeping well, I've been eating more poorly (less balance way more junk/sugar), and I've had trouble with motivation. I'm seeing that get better slowly, but it is frustrating that I got so far knocked off track from a lot of positive changes for myself. I say that as if I had/have no control over it...I know I do, that I can make choices...but I do feel helpless a lot of the time when it comes to this stuff.

This is a pattern I've seen in my life again and again. It isn't just when my mind is consumed with something negative either. When I make a new friend, start a new job, anything positive that is consuming a lot of my attention I also tend to let other relationships/responsibilities slide.

So, if you are one of the people who have been negatively affected by my nonresponsiveness, declined mood, or forgetfulness lately please know that I know its been happening, I want to do better, and I hope you can forgive me.

"Black" Comes From Behind To Win Michele's Heart

2005-11-01T10:59:00.000-08:00

Well it wasn't green, or even blue who made the final cut. The little puppy who has gone by the name of black jumped out and grabbed my heart! He is a real sweety like blue, but more outgoing and playful like green. He's somewhere in the middle. I'm just glad to have finally made a decision I won't change. I guess you could say I couldn't choose between green and blue so I choose a different pup! :) Now we're (since John is his owner too, even though I got to pick) left with the next big task...naming him!!! I have had a few ideas, but none I'm thrilled with. Any ideas out in cyber space?

Pumpkin Push 5K

2005-10-23T12:29:00.000-07:00

Hello all! I completed my first official 5k yesterday. Ron,Jacquie,Nic,Julia, and I all did it. It was really fun for all of us to do it. We all got cute longsleeve t-shirts with the image in this post on the front and all the sponsor names on the back. Julia stayed with me and went my pace. I had to stop several times and stretch my right ankle...it's been giving me problems lately. She was great, and very supportive. We were the last of the people to complete the 5K part, the family fun walk was shorter, and we still beat some of those people (granted they were pushing strollers and dealing with toddlers and pets...). Julia and I tied our legs together and finished the last little bit as a three legged race. In part to ease any embarrassment on my part for taking so long to finish. The important thing, however, is that I did despite the physical challenge of a bumb ankle. Heck, some people probably thought we had done it the whole way for some kind of symbolism...it's fun just the imagine people trying to figure it out. I know I would be if I saw two people finish that way.

Green vs. Blue...Who Will It Be????

2005-10-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

Alright folks, John and I are coming to you for some serious, life changing advice... Which of these adorable puppies do we choose? On the left you have "green". One of four boys out of a litter of 6 golden retriver pups. On the right, is "blue", one of the two girls. Green is one of the biggest puppies. He is super playful, and he is almost always the first to recognize me calling the puppies and come sprinting to me with his tail wagging ready to play. He tends to be one of the dominent pups. Blue is the smallest puppy. She tends to be passive and calm. She is often found on the side digging a hole or chewing on a pine cone. Blue likes to curl up next to me and sleep, but she tends to be slower to respond when called. Despite these generalized personailty traits I've seen blue be quite playful and green can be quite the loverboy. Shadow seems to enjoy them both. She and green play rougher which she seems to enjoy, but she also seems to enjoy blue's submissive nature (she is the big sis after all).

Help!!! Who do you think would fit in best with our family???

Singing In The Rain

2005-10-20T17:43:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends!

So, you may be asking yourselves, "of all the things Michele could title her new blog, why did she choose the title of an old movie (especially since I don't tend to like old movies, and I've never seen this one all the way through)?". Allow me to explain...

First off, I love when it rains really hard (as long as I don't have to drive in it). The kind of rain that is just pounding down on the pavement so hard that it seems like its jumping back up again. Just watching it is really soothing/comforting for me. The only thing better than watching it is abandoning any "mature adult reservations" or worry about getting soaked and running outside. Feeling the rain pouring down all over me and the world around me brings a unique feeling of freedom. In those moments I am a child again. I am innocent and lighthearted...I am outside of my worries, thoughts, plans...all I'm focused on is feeling the rain fall all over my skin, hearing it as it hits the ground around me. So many people are inside, or huddled under umbrellas, but I'm opening my arms wide looking up to the sky, and drinking (yes cheesy pun) it all in. I'm embracing what some people are doing their best to avoid. Which leads me to my next reason. My first reason is focused on the cleansing, freeing element of nature's wonder.

My second reason is more symbolic. If I think of rain as being the hard things of life, the things that come unexpectedly and tend to bring with them sadness, hardship, struggle, pain, anger, darkness then "singing in the rain" takes on new meaning. This is finding joy, peace, contentment, and hope in the hardest times in my life. It is not running away and hiding from the rain inside until it just blows over. Instead, it is choosing to step out side, look the struggle and all that it brings square in the eye. It is acknowledging it and letting the feelings it brings pour down on me...it is feeling them, not numbing them. However, I don't lay down in the nearest puddle and fall apart under the weight of the feelings. Instead, I acknowledge the feelings, but dance and twirl and spin anyway. It is seeing the good that may come from this hardship, and it is allowing myself to hold on to hope, play, and love.

This is my hope for myself. This is what I am working for during my current rainstorm of doubt, betrayal, and grief. I am holding on to hope, love, and happiness. We can all still feel freedom and hope in the most painful situations--this is our choice. In "Man's Search for Meaning" Victor Frankel (a holocaust survivor) said, “...Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." I am believing my myself, my husband, and my marriage despite the rollercoaster of emotions, and flash flood of hard realities that are surrounding us.

More importantly I am once again believing and holding on to the rock, comforter, and counselor I have in God---my heavenly Father. I am reading the bible and praying and finding myself surrounded by people who are brothers and sisters in Christ. I am holding on to my mustard seed of faith and praying for it to grow, and flourish. Those of you who have seen me on my spiritual walk know I have been way off course for well over a year. I have taken my first in a series of steps to return to Him. I am shaky and unsure, but I am pursuing Him again, and I believe that my current crisis is what it took to bring me back to Him. I read in my bible sometime this week that He will use our times of suffering to draw us back to Him. When no one and nothing else is able to provide the support and comfort we need He is there waiting. That is what it took for me to find my way back. Although I would not wish this hardship on myself, or anyone else, I can't help but to see it as a blessing as well.

Next time the rain comes pouring down run outside if you can. Feel the rain pouring down and know that all is well in that moment. Spin and dance and play and remeber that life is far to short to spend it hiding inside worrying about the inconviences of getting wet. You won't regret it! :)

Love to all!

New Beginnings

2005-10-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my new and improved blog! My blog.com "Figuring It Out--My Journey to Health" is no more. I will be trying to archive its posts on this site so my entire journey to date will be preserved.

"Fat Day" turned good

2005-10-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling fat the last few days. I have probably gained a few lbs back in the last couple weeks. I have been under such constant emotional stress/pain/confusion, and I've started to turn to old habits for comfort. I hadn't binged or ate really poorly since late June/early July, and I had been working out 3-5 times a week for the last couple months. Now I haven't been working out more than a couple times a week, and I've started to eat to numb the pain/push down the feelings. I bought 3 boxes of Little Debbie’s last week and ate them in 3-4 days. My choices overall aren't as healthy because I don't really care--at least that has been my attitude much of the time in the last couple weeks. Even though I know logically that working out has always made me feel better, I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I have this feeling like I just want to lay down, throw the covers over my head and surrender to the pull of depression. I haven't gone quite that far, but I have begun to abandon new, healthier, practices.
Today I WILL work out, and I WILL have a really good work out and it WILL make me feel better!!!!! Sometimes you just have to step in and make yourself behave your way back into feeling better even though your feelings would have you lay down and "die".
However, I WILL also do things today to nurture myself/to comfort myself. I will acknowledge the hurting and I will do what I can to self soothe in a more healthy way. Exercise is one (as much as it is hard for me to accept/believe)...a spa service or two is another way…perhaps eyebrow waxing/a pedicure/a chair massage are in order…taking time to relax and watch a little TV would be nice too, as long as I don’t hole up and do it all day with a bucket of Coldstone ice cream. Filling my day with nutritious food choices---and playing with the puppies are also great ideas.
Today I am going to take care of Michele.

Posted by True_Colors at 14:58 in Link Comments (3)

Comments
I've been having the same sort of struggles getting myself motivated, Buck. It's been over a month of bad eating choices and no exercise. Your blog gave me some motivation this morning.Today I am going to take care of Munk. :)
Written by: Shelly at 2005/10/04 - 15:57

Great...I'm feeling fat now :) In all seriousness Lynn Sue..it is such a struggle! I'm glad to hear you realize you have the fight in you!
Written by: Heids at 2005/10/06 - 21:53

Peachy Michele! I miss you and wish you were down here this weekend. Please just try to be happy and let things come as they come.... Love ya lots! Nan
Written by: Lisa at 2005/10/10 - 03:16

In order to be healthy...

2005-09-28T20:19:00.000-07:00

My journey to health...the name of this blog. So far I've talked about physical health issues (eating and exercise) and emotional health issues (stress, depression, anxiety). I've talked about medicine I am or have been taking. I've let you see into the darkness that comes over my mind when I'm not doing well and the lightness of my heart/soul when I am.
Today I feel like brainstorming on what it will take in order to reach the goal of my journey--the land of healthy.
Physically fit--no preventable illness. Great scores on blood tests/blood pressure/heart rate/BMI/Body fat percentage/etc.
Emotionally sound. Able to manage anxiety/depression if they come up, but ideally living with a set of tools/understandings/lifestyle that will greatly reduce/eliminate these mood states.
Spiritually settled. Know what I believe in and build it into my life. This piece is quite a challenge for me….
Have and maintain healthy boundaries—I will know what behaviors I will/won’t do/compromise/accept. The special people in my life will be there because they respect my boundaries and I respect theirs.
I will hold the certainty that I can take care of myself, and I don’t need anyone else to be whole. I will have many people close to me whom I love and share with because I choose to, not because I feel like I need them in order to survive emotionally or otherwise.
I will have a solid understanding of what brings me fulfillment and joy, and I will participate in these things daily---I will build them into my life through career, hobbies, relationships, etc.
Self-Care will be built into my daily routine.
I will honor/process my feelings when they come up and not stuff them or push them aside by eating or doing other destructive behavior.
Well that’s a pretty good list as a start. Anyone have anything else they can think of?
Posted by True_Colors at 21:57 in Link Comments (2)

Comments

This is a great manifesto. If you can't love yourself, you can't love others. To love others, you have to first love yourself. To care for others, you must first care for yourself. As for spiritually settled, I think sometimes the questions mean more than the answers. :)- Steve
Written by: Steve at 2005/09/29 - 04:40

It's nice to see you blogging again, Buck. I think that seeing things written down - as far as goals/ambitions - keeps a person in check. It's a constant reminder of where you want to be and how to keep working towards it. I think you've got a great list going so far.
Written by: Shelly at 2005/10/03 - 16:28

anxiety/depression scores--Doing Better :)

2005-09-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

Anxiety=mild 19
Depression=mild 14
I've been doing pretty good lately. Also my new anti-depressant, wellbutrin, combined with living with the Rauch's have been helping me to be motivated, awake earlier, loose weight (about 15-20 lbs), and not binge as much---woo hoo.
Posted by True_Colors at 23:45 in Link Comments (2)

Comments
wooFREAKINhoo!
Written by: John at 2005/09/09 - 00:00
Good news! Love you!
Written by: Jess at 2005/09/11 - 17:05

As you've requested...

2005-08-31T20:17:00.000-07:00

Hello All. Thanks for your recent requests for me to take up my blogging again. You've finally motivated me to get back on! Sorry for my temporary absence.
Things in the getting healthy department are going pretty well. Physically I'm loosing weight and exercising...I'm not restricting my food intake, but I've noticed I'm not eating as much as I used to, and I'm not eating because I'm lonely/stressed/bored as much either. I big reason for this is my move to Issaquah and my reduced job hours.
Living with John's family has been great because there is almost always someone around to talk to or do something with. Being with them has made me realize just how lonely I was before. Julia and I in particular have become a lot closer, and we've had the great opportunity/experience of supporting each other in physical and career pursuits. She even made me a "star chart" (but we use stickers) as a motivation for my exercise. If I exercise 30min 5 times a week for 4 weeks out of the month I get a "special surprise"...I love surprises! :) I now recognize how important it is for me to always have multiple sources of support and socialization in my life, and I'm already thinking about how to accomplish this once I'm not living here anymore.
Psychological health is going so-so. Better on the depression side in lots of ways...not as lonely, more motivation...but I've still struggled with stress and some associated depression. My two major stressors right now= 1. my current job and the process of finding a new job. I have 3 interviews this week and decisions to make regarding what type of employment I want, and how I'm going to wrap up my current job (length of notice, when to give it, tying up all the loose ends. 2. My relationship with John. It shouldn't come to a shock to any of you that we have been having problems/struggling. It is really rough going right now, and I'm having a hard time knowing what to do/how to make it better, etc.
So, this has been a time of healing and reflection. I've had many successes in the last couple months, and I have been wrestling with some stresses....that's life. Ain't it grand?! (semi serious/semi sarcastic here :))
Well, that's all for now. As always, I welcome your comments, and I will try to be a more active blogger again!
Thanks for taking the time to connect with me!

Posted by True_Colors at 00:50 in Link Comments (2)

Comments
We are glad to have you back on-line.
Written by: Steve at 2005/09/01 - 01:00

Hey Peach, Good to hear back from you! I hope to see you this weekend and that we can catch up.. I sure have missed you!
Written by: Lisa aka Nan at 2005/09/01 - 02:19

If I was skinny....

2005-07-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

If I was skinny…

Gordy would have treated me better…he would have been my boyfriend, and we would have danced and had a great time at prom and Alyssa wouldn’t have been there to ruin it.
Tim and other people at work would like me better.
I wouldn’t have to feel embarrassed in public and at parties about my size.
I wouldn’t have to feel like I’m trying to hide…I could be outgoing and more fun because I could be free to be myself instead of being afraid to draw to much attention to myself. It’s like I’m overcompensating for my being fat and not wanting people to notice that with my personality being more subdued and shy in a lot of settings.
I could fit in any chair/normal space with no trouble…I could even curl up in chairs and cross my legs normal.
People would judge me on who I am/ my personality/my talents and not my weight/ appearance.
Guys would be attracted to me. I would get more positive attention…especially male attention. I would have dated more and had more relationships when I was younger/before I was married.
I could wear clothes that fit my personality and style instead of whatever is this seasons look at lane Bryant.
The people in my life would be more proud of me and would like me more.
I could dance seriously/ in clubs.
I could do more activities and not slow other people down/ disappoint them when I say no to certain activities.
I would be more confident in public/social settings...more people would interact with me in those settings.
I would be happier.
I could have more fun.
I could be more proud of myself.
I could go anywhere and do anything I wanted to do.
I could do fun water activities/hanging on the beach and look good in a bathing suit.
I wouldn’t stand out in a crowd.
I would feel more free/light.
I would receive more compliments.
I wouldn’t have to worry about my picture getting taken, and I wouldn’t have to do one picture several times on a digital camera to look half way decent.
People would take me more seriously.

Colors would be brighter, life would be more beautiful….all my dreams would come true!!!! ;) I know these aren’t necessarily realistic, but I needed to purge them from my system and look at them….
Posted by True_Colors at 00:56 in Link Comments (6)

Comments
Buck, I know this is incredibly cheesy - but it's true. I love you and am proud of you and couldn't like you any more than I already do.
Written by: Munk at 2005/07/01 - 19:39

Michele, I think you should switch "If I was skinny…" with "If I loved myself because I'm an excellent person and worthy of the love those around me give and feel for me...". Because I think that reflects the truth. The size of your body has nothing to do with those things you listed above. Even if you were thin but still felt unworthy, and didn't love yourself, nothing would be better. I think you keep using your weight as the scapegoat- "if only I was skinny life would be better", when it's not really the truth.
Written by: Jess at 2005/07/02 - 19:41

It's been awhile since you posted. How are you? What's up?
Written by: Heather at 2005/08/01 - 18:19

It's been awhile since you posted. How are you? What's up?
Written by: Heather at 2005/08/01 - 18:19

No posts in a while... WTFOMGBBQ?!?!?
Written by: John at 2005/08/11 - 22:40

Bring back the blog. It is missed!!!!
Written by: Munk at 2005/08/30 - 22:28

Is this thing on????

2005-06-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

Just curious if anyone is reading this anymore...I haven't recieved any comments for quite a while! :( Comment to this thread if you are so I can get a sense of that. Thanks!
Posted by True_Colors at 18:14 in Link Comments (3)

Comments
I still read it!
Written by: Jess at 2005/07/01 - 02:02
I'm illiterate.
Written by: Steve at 2005/07/01 - 07:13
i'm scatterbrained and i keep forgetting to check it...
Written by: Munk at 2005/07/01 - 19:53

Why's it gotta be so complicated?

2005-06-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

Life feels sickeningly complicated right now. I want to be happy and to be well, but I don’t know how to do it. John and I seem to be in very different places in life, and I’m not sure he is willing to meet me where I’m at and make compromises for my well being. Also, I don’t want to be a burden to him or to anyone else. I don’t want to drag him down or get in the way of his dreams, but on the other hand, I have needs too. If he wants to be happy in this relationship that requires more than just me changing…it requires his willingness to change some behaviors too. It requires him to slow down on his race to finical/business success. The thing is that those successes will be somewhat empty if they arrive as our marriage/his wife’s health is hanging together by threads.

But then I think there is something wrong with me that I can’t function within our current set up. That I don’t want to stay in the apartment 3mo-1yr until we can buy/rent a house, and continue to work full time at Compass Health until I have full time employment with equal or better compensation lined up. I feel like a “normal” person would be able to do that. I feel like I’m mad at myself for pushing him/us into a situation of living with his parents and/or selling the quadplex (a succeeding investment) so that I can be taken care of. What is so wrong with me? Why is there so much stress in my life much of the time, and will it be less if we move in with his parents? I’ll still have to commute to Everett 2x per week and we will be fairly crowded here….but at least I won’t be so freaking isolated….then there is the stress of action: exercise, trying to eat better, searching for career options…in some ways it is easier to just live life with a big wall in front of me….not seeing any future for myself. Not seeing/hoping for a future after today. Just doing what is required to get through this day. I still don’t know what my future career holds, and I’m feeling pressure to earn more…John seems to mention it daily lately….or at least really frequently. I don’t know what the future holds for John and I, and I can’t imagine a life outside of my marriage. Basically I can’t imagine/hope for the future, and that is a painful feeling.

Maybe once I feel less stress/pressure (if I can achieve that) I can stop shutting down, and start hoping/dreaming again. I don’t know….
It is this feeling that makes part of me start to think about just not living anymore. I’m not saying I would take me life…I haven’t reached that point yet, and I would tell someone if I had because I don’t want to do that. But, it does make me think about how it would just be nice to not have to feel this way anymore. I feel like there is no way out of this complicated mess…no easy answer, no escape…I am an adult with adult responsibilities, and I can’t drop them all right now in a pursuit of health/taking care of myself….even if I could, I don’t know if I would have the tools to do what it would take to get better…to be cured. I don’t even know if there is hope for me to “get cured”. I may always be this way. Then John defiantly wouldn’t want me for the long haul…but he has the right to know if that is the case, and so do I.

Maybe all I can hope for is learning how to better manage my stress/anxiety/depression and live with them…but even that would be better than what I am dealing with now. I’ve talked to my psychologist about working on stress management techniques…that is an important one that I think would help my anxiety/depression a lot. Chronic stress/my attempt to medicate it has hurt my body: obesity that threatens all kinds of other health conditions, chronic muscle tension that messes with proper bone alignment, grey hair starting at like 20 and becoming increasingly present, etc.

I just hope that one day I can look back on this journey and see how far I’ve come out of the darkness.
Posted by True_Colors at 17:50 in Link Comments (0)

2005-06-20T20:09:00.000-07:00

June 20, 2005
So many of the elements of my life are up in the air right now. I just feel really sad right now. Not sure how to deal with the anxiety/stress that is gripping me most of the time.

Right now in this moment I just want to quit my job, pack my personal stuff, throw Shadow in the car, and drive in the direction of Minnesota. I don't have active supports there right now, but there are people, family in particular, whom I think I could reconnect with quickly. But, that would mean leaving my active supports who I love very much: John, his family, Heidi, Shelly, Heather, Steve/Nan, etc.

I just wish I could have a reprieve from all of this...but we need my income right now...it is critical, which keeps me in this job until I have another job of equal or greater income lined up. It all comes down to money. I wish I could go to some sanctuary where I could heal and grow and have just the right amount of everything: socialization, working, playing, laughter, crying, sharing, healing, sleeping, resting, moving, eating, stretching, breathing, hoping, giving of support, receiving of support, quiet, music, talking, hugging, space, respect, hope, will, grace, letting go, and holding on...balance, equilibrium...everything and nothing...enough push/pull to feel alive, but enough calm and neutralizing forces to bring peace and contentment to between 65-85% of my day.
Posted by True_Colors at 18:42 in Link Comments (0)

STRESS

2005-06-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

Stress level is through the roof in the last week...crazy guy is about to be released from jail tonight/tomorrow, and I'm really stressin' over him retaliating against John/me/our tenants/our building. We found out today he is an ongoing problem in Everett.... he is a convicted felon guilty of harassment, assault, arson, and a variety of crimes. For more on this see the landlord blog: http://landlording.blogspot.com/. We have decided to sell the building, which is good, but comes along with its whole other set of stressors…especially since we are first trying to do for sale by owner. I just hope we can sell quickly and smoothly and that we get enough money from the sale in order to buy a nice house in a nice area and have a smooth transition for John with his new business…and be able to live closer to members of our support system.

I wish my friends/family were closer. I’ve been feeling more of a need to be out of my neighborhood/have peeps to talk to about my feelings, but have felt alone because everyone is far away…

Posted by True_Colors at 21:05 in Link Comments (3)

Comments
Get on AIM tonight so we can chat.... Steve will be gone overnight so I need something to do :)
Written by: Anonymous at 2005/06/17 - 22:33

Oops, That was me, Your nan
Written by: Lisa at 2005/06/17 - 22:34

Lisa,Sorry I spent the night in issaquah last night and just got your comment this morning. Sorry I didn't sign on! :(Peach
Written by: michele at 2005/06/18 - 18:03

Checking in

2005-06-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

Less active on the blog lately. Saw my parents from this past Wed-Today (Sunday). I love them, but after five days with them I find myself feeling quite drained emotionally/physically. It is a real struggle being on my own so much of the time, and then occasionally being right back in the midst of my family of origin in all of its ups/downs...frustrations/complexities. It is challenging on so many levels.
On the food front…I feel like I haven’t been making great choices lately….today I’m feeling quite disgusting. I guess that’s what a dinner of wheat things, spinach dip, and sugar cookies will do for a person.
Major amounts of self care/ recharging are in order for the next few days. Also, I’m feeling quite reflective. There are things about my current life situation that are bothersome to me, and I’m feeling the desire to change them…but I’m confused about how to move forward from here and go about the business of making things better. So, some serious thinking is also in order.

Posted by True_Colors at 05:31 in Link Comments (0)

Blahs

2005-06-02T20:04:00.000-07:00

Depresson: 20 on edge of mild--moderate 21-30
Anxiety: 21moderate
I'm having a hard week this week. Particularly Tuesday and Today have been rough. Those mornings when I wake up and have absolutely no desire to get going with my day. Getting in the shower is a struggle of momentous proportions. Now I'm at work and I'm not wanting to work...although I've gotten a fair amount of stuff done---even though I got here at like 9:45am (normally should be here by like 8am-8:30am). Just the ultimate case of the blahs....
Posted by True_Colors at 18:56 in Link Comments (0)

Scores

2005-05-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

Depression 18=mild
Anxiety 21=moderate
Ultimate goal is for each to be 5 or less. Seems almost impossible...but my depression scores have been really good lately...so I'm moving in the right direction.
Posted by True_Colors at 18:55 in Link Comments (0)

Wednesdays and a talk with myself

2005-05-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is my day off from work now that I am working four ten hour shifts. It is supposed to be the day I've set out for me...to pursue things to aid in my journey to health. I've spent some time doing internet research on potential future careers on Wednesdays, I see Amy and have had other health appts on this day. Some things I have planned to do on this day that don't seem to be happening: water aerobics, OA meetings, and spending time with someone(s) from my support network (i.e. going to Seattle to have lunch with Heidi/Shelly/Heather).
This particular morning I'm feeling overwhelmed by the sheer filth/disorganization in my apartment. This place needs a solid 3 hours of cleaning to get it in good shape. However, the motivation just is not there to do it. It just seems so overwhelming, and like no fun at all. I know the end result would feel good...to have accomplished it...but I don't want to do it. :( Also, I'm not sure it fits in to the scope of today's goal....although as soon as I wrote that I realized it does. Having a clean/organized environment is paramount to my mental health, and feeling "together". I guess I just wish it was a John and me thing, not just a me thing....it is reminiscent of when John was working full time, I was a part time student, so all the chores fell to me. Now I feel like we are more even and should have to do chores more evenly...but he does do a lot around here. And, what it comes down to is that it would help me to feel better, and today is about taking care of me....so, I guess I'll do some cleaning. *welcome to Michele’s thought process* :) I seem to think better and solve problems the best when I am writing or talking to someone who can serve as a sounding board.
I'm really trying to be a lot nicer to myself in recent weeks. My inclination is to beat myself up for not having done some of the things I have planned to do on Wednesdays...to say to myself, "gosh you loser, you can't even do stuff for you....you are supposed to be doing x-y-and-z and because you haven't you are proving that you suck and can't get better". Instead I am trying to say, "this is a long road, and we are going to go as slow as we need to go, and when you are ready to do something, you will do it...I love you, and I believe in you...you are doing a good job". It is about guiding myself gently and with love instead of riding myself with "shoulds" and putdowns. Its an interesting balance to achieve. I don't want to stay stuck not doing anything because I'm being to easy on myself, but I don't believe I am...I have accomplished things. It takes a lot of time to change that inner dialogue that has been driving me for so long.
I want to say I'm so sorry to myself for being so hard on me for so long. I'm sorry to that little girl inside who just wants to feel safe and loved and taken care of. I haven't taken care of you...I haven't loved you....when people on the outside have been harsh and unkind, I've been every bit as unkind. When people have been loving and warm, I've filtered those things so that you haven't been able to really soak them in and taken them for nourishment. I don't know why I thought I didn't deserve them. I don't know why a big part of me still feels like I don't deserve them. You are a precious, loving person with so much potential....and I hold you back. I do everything I can to kick you, fight you, hold you back and hold you down. I've covered you up with repulsive fat, I've muted you with social awkwardness and shyness. I've told you no one will like you, you aren't smart, you are flawed. If I can keep you hidden and quiet than maybe no one will figure it out.
This is such a time of struggle...I am disjointed and fragmented...I have parts of me that are good, and parts that are bad...I have parts that are worthy of love, and parts that deserve round the clock beatings. Integration is the goal...balance...love/patience....
I'm not done...I have a lot of work to do...I have a lot of loving to do.
Thank you for reading, thank you for sharing, and thank you for loving. Thank you for commenting on my blog and/or in person. It makes me feel like I'm not alone, and it encourages me to keep going.

Posted by True_Colors at 18:10 in Link Comments (0)

Early Morning Thoughts...Reflections from last week's counseling

2005-05-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

Hello All.
This morning I woke up at about 5am and had a terrible time trying to sleep after that...tossing/turning...never fully fell back asleep after that. So I got to work at 7am...about an hour and a half earlier that normal. Physically I'm feeling tired and like I'm getting sick. Mentally I'm feeling residual stress from an intense house meeting yesterday and some crap in the neighborhood last night (eventually I'll post info on that to the landlord blog: http://landlording.blogspot.com/) ...also I'm anticipating another intense meeting this afternoon. Although that is distorted thinking in the form of "fortune telling"...it might not be that bad....
Blah....
On the upside I'm listening to some good music louder than I normally would because no one else is on my floor yet....it helps wake me up/get me in a better mood. Nothing like Alanis Moresette to soothe an unrested soul.
I had an interesting counseling session last week. We were discussing my reasons, from an earlier blog, for staying heavy/fat. I said that I didn't want to get rid of the fat because it served as a shield. In my mind people don't see me, especially upon surface interactions. They see my fat, and focus on that in making judgments about me. If they don't find me attractive or if they don't want to spend time with me, it is because of my fat...not because of anything underneath it. If I was an average sized person people would judge me on other things: my clothing style, my personality, my choices, me attitude….I would have to be something/someone…I wouldn't be an androgynous/shapeless it. I would be a woman with an identity in this world.
My psychologist, Amy, asked me what is underneath the fat that I'm trying to hide? In my mind, what am I hiding…what would "come out" if people were judging me for me, and not for my wall of fat? The first thing that came to my mind is: "I'm bad". Amy: "How so?". Me: "I've done lots of horrible, awful things"….I went on to reference another previous blog entry about how I deserve to beat myself up for all the bad stuff (e.i. lying, cheating, stealing…). Amy: "like you acknowledged in your blog entry, everyone does bad stuff…if a friend said these things, you would tell her not to be so hard on herself, so why does this hold so much power for you?".
At that point in the session I told Amy that my mind was going in the direction of a specific memory. This memory holds lots of shame/secrecy for me. When I was somewhere around 7 Heidi and I had a babysitter with a boy about our age. I loved going over there. We did fun things, ate fun snacks, and played…I remember it being a warm/positive place. One day Heidi, this boy, and I were in his room with the door closed. I don't know where the babysitter was. We did some sexual experimentation that I guess most kids do at some time or another. Even though I was so young, and it was so long ago, and I was in a confidential setting, I felt like I couldn't give the specific details for reasons of shame/embarrassment. The babysitter came in and saw us partially dressed and separated us for the rest of the day. When my mom came to pick us up she and the babysitter talked for a while. When we left my mom was clearly upset, and she said something to the effect that we would never go back there. I remember looking back at the house and feeling really upset/sad. Late that night I was sleeping in my parents room (must have been anxious that night…for obvious reasons) when my dad came home. My mom talked to him in hushed whispers downstairs, and after a couple minutes he yelled something like, "Not my daughter" really upset. In that moment I felt crushed….REALLY shameful. I had done something horribly wrong and dirty. I was dirty. My dad and I never talked about it, and I don't remember ever talking to anyone about it again. Every moment of sexual experimentation before and after that in my childhood years has been attached to feelings of dirty, wrong, not normal… even as an adult I feel like I was a whacked out "bad" person who did really bad things.
I plan to open my shameful suitcase and take out my dirty laundry a piece at a time with Amy. The truth will set me free. The secrecy and internal condemnation must stop. I just hope I can handle it, and that when we are all done I will see and believe that I am not a horrible human being worthy of a lifetime of punishment for my wrongdoings. I think what I will do is write down all the indiscretions I can think of and put them in some kind of container…then I will bring them in session and get them all out…confess them if you will. Then we'll decide what to do with the box…probably burn it or something.
Wow, an emotional morning of writing for me….thanks for listening, and for loving me.
Posted by True_Colors at 15:58 in Link Comments (2)

Comments
Shelly - I don't know if you've noticed it, but I've noticed a definite change in the feel of your postings and in your general outlook and attitude lately that is markedly improved. You must be starting to feel a change? Your comments in this posting are brutal and honest but constructive and positive. I love you and want you to know that we're all here to support you.
Written by: John at 2005/05/24 - 18:05

Being able to lay bare the truth comes from powerful courage.
Written by: Steve at 2005/05/25 - 02:55

Oh Happy Day....and my scores

2005-05-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

Depression: 19= mild (moderate=21-30)
Anxiety: 23=Moderate
Wooo Hooo...best score yet for derpession. I attribute this to a few things: possibly meds, the trip with the fam had me around people a lot...less time "in my head" and feeling lonely...also this blog. Letting my thoughts out and getting positive/helpful/new perspective inducing feedback from people. Also, I'm not working today, so I've had a slow day to get ready and relax...
The anxiety I exprienced I attribute largely to the social stimuli on our trip...lots of socializing/little time for relaxing with just a few people at once.
I've had lots of good things going the last few days...I've planned a camping trip, visited Heids/Shells, spent time with John, been productive at work, and spent time with the fam (aka John's immediate family)...also my parents are coming out soon. I'm looking forward to seeing them, esspecially my dad who I haven't seen for a full year. He gets to meet his granddog! :) And he gets to see our apartment. And we get to go visit Steve/Lisa in a week and a half...all good stuff!
Here's to having a good day! :)

Posted by True_Colors at 19:20 in Link Comments (2)

Comments
Shelly, this is awesome stuff. I think you have unknowningly discovered a number of the things that make you happy and will help to pull you out of the depression and become a happy person. Keep doing what you're doing and the trend will continue!
Written by: John at 2005/05/18 - 19:40

It was great to see you and Johno when you dropped by the other night! Thanks for coming!
Written by: Shelly at 2005/05/19 - 19:18

Insight from Steve

2005-05-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

Hello all,
I like these insights/thoughts and the quote so much from Steve's most recent comment to my blog that I am reposting them as a new thread. I've enlarged/put into bold those comments that were most powerful for me. Thanks again Steve!!!
I'm glad you have the courage to post these thoughts. That alone says something good. I worry that you might focus too much on the negative, which only makes it appear to grow. Whatever you look at, that's what you'll see.In pratical terms, you may have set these grandious goals and then, not meeting them, have given up on action all together. It's better to simply do your best, and forget about it."We need to look at what we have, rather than focusing on what we believe we lack or need ... I was always trying to look ahead of myself, hoping and praying that what I believed I needed would come over the horizon. As I tried to move forward to meet it, I pushed it away in front of me. ... It is to believe that at the heart of your being there is that which is complete -- the source of compassion and wisdom. If you can trust your own being, then you are already realizing your true nature."What you do determines what you become. If you spend all your energy on thinking negative thoughts, you will never escape your negativity. It will become a prison that you have built for yourself and you guard yourself and inside you imprison yourself. Every healthy thought, every healthy action, these tear down the prison walls. Don't look for the results, just do it. If you think and act in a positive manner, change will come even if you don't expect it or aren't looking for it.
Written by: Steve at 2005/05/17 - 03:52

Any further thoughts/comments on these ideas?

One word comes to mind when I consider them: Wisdom. I consider myself fortunate to be the recepient of such wisdom.

Posted by True_Colors at 06:32 in Link Comments

Fat...Blah

2005-05-17T19:56:00.000-07:00

Airplanes. I hate to ride in them now because I am so uncomfortable in the seats. I barely fit in them, and I wouldn’t ride coach unless John was sitting next to me so I could take up some of his seat/maneuver our arms so we can fit together in our two seats. For this reason I flew first class to/back from L.A. for my day of hell at the treatment center. Starting approximately 4-6 months or so ago I've been a pretty steady weight give or take 10lbs. Which is good (better than going up); however, this steady weight/body shape has made it necessary for me to ask for a seat belt extension almost every time I fly. This brings on an incredible feeling of shame and embarrassment for me every time. I think to myself, "so this is it, this is what my life has turned into...I'm the huge fat ass who has to extend her seatbelt because she can't practice self-control". I am one of "those people" one of those freaks who people look at with a mixture of disgust and pity. At least I'm not one of those really big freaks who draw shocked stares and comments from stunned little children yet. That must come in the 350-400 pound range. Depending on body frame, etc. This seatbelt problem is not limited to commercial airliners. I can't fit into the seatbelt of one of the types of airplanes John flies. Car seatbelts are beginning to get quite snug on me, and one small car I'm in occasionally has a seatbelt in the back that doesn't fit at all. I never thought it would come to this.
My weight has made social interactions increasingly more difficult as well. If I am not able to sit in a spot where I feel somewhat covered I am incredibly self conscious and have a hard time socializing. I like to be in an oversized couch/chair with a pillow/blanket. Or at a table that is high enough to cover my big stomach and preferably with my back to the wall...I don't like sitting so that someone can see me from the back or the side. I don’t sit in just any position…I have trained myself to sit in positions that I feel are most flattering. I go through my entire day never totally open/comfortable because I am trying as hard as I can to not let my thighs spread out, my belly/sides to lop over. I am always aware of my body in every situation. It clouds my interactions with people, my self esteem, my productivity…everything.
Yet, I can’t seem to do anything about it. If I diet, I rebel. If left to my own devices, I continue to gain weight. I don’t want to restrict my food, I don’t want to be on a “meal plan”. I don’t see it ever being successful. I have a hard time getting myself to the gym because I am self conscious about my body and I am limited in what I can do. I would rather be in this misery than restrict my food intake. Why? 1. I use eating food as my number one coping mechanism for stress/loneliness. 2. I use my eating as control/freedom/release. If I restrict it, I am being controlled….it’s like it is the one area that no one can control me in (even myself), and I need it to stay that way 3. All the weight on my body keeps people at a distance from me…and I need this because I am not (don’t feel) confident/articulate/”together”. 4. I don’t have much of an identity outside of being a fat girl/woman….I don’t know who I would be
It is a slow death…I see that, but I’m not willing/able to do anything about it. I don’t want it, yet I do want it. Blah.

Posted by True_Colors at 01:32 in Link Comments (3)

Comments
I‘m glad you have the courage to post these thoughts. That alone says something good. I worry that you might focus too much on the negative, which only makes it appear to grow. Whatever you look at, that‘s what you‘ll see.In pratical terms, you may have set these grandious goals and then, not meeting them, have given up on action all together. It‘s better to simply do your best, and forget about it."We need to look at what we have, rather than focusing on what we believe we lack or need ... I was always trying to look ahead of myself, hoping and praying that what I believed I needed would come over the horizon. As I tried to move forward to meet it, I pushed it away in front of me. ... It is to believe that at the heart of your being there is that which is complete -- the source of compassion and wisdom. If you can trust your own being, then you are already realizing your true nature."What you do determines what you become. If you spend all your energy on thinking negative thoughts, you will never escape your negativity. It will become a prison that you have built for yourself and you guard yourself and inside you imprison yourself. Every healthy thought, every healthy action, these tear down the prison walls. Don‘t look for the results, just do it. If you think and act in a positive manner, change will come even if you don‘t expect it or aren‘t looking for it.
Written by: Steve at 2005/05/17 - 03:52

I think a negative self image is one of the most difficult things to overcome and believe it or not people you feel self conscious around probably experience some of the same self loathing thoughts you described. It‘s sad how paralyzing ones own hateful thoughts can be or just how much they can paralyze someone‘s entire life. When I read your words I can relate to that feeling, I think everyone at one time or another in life declines an invitation to go out, or convinces themself they are better off doing something self destructive (in your case eating) rather than taking the risk of meeting new people who have the potential to do something that may hurt them....the idea of no one can hurt me better than I can hurt myself I guess. I‘ll tell you I think you are beautiful....inside and out. I‘ll tell you you have a compassionate heart and the power to impact the lives of so many if you can first embrace your own life as worth living.You always joke about baby steps, well if you have to start by crawling. Maybe try to have just one healthy day of eating, one day at the gym and see how you feel. Don‘t think about losing weight, don‘t think about what you imagine everyone else sees when they look at you. Force yourself to look in the mirror, stare into your own eyes and don‘t look away until you see the beautiful woman you have been created to be. You are amazing, you are special, you are unique, you are powerful, you are brilliant, you are exciting, you are compassionate, you are caring, you are giving, you are full of potential, you are beautiful, you have the power to change the lives of others, you have the power to change your own life one choice at a time, one day at a time...starting today.
Written by: Heids at 2005/05/17 - 04:46

Steve, Thanks for your insightful comments and beautiful quote (where is it from?). I really appreciate them and the perspective they brought... Heidi, your post made me cry, and I don‘t do that much. Thank you.
Written by: Michele at 2005/05/18 - 06:14

Warning Uncensored thoughts from inside Michele's head

2005-05-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I am officially up to my full 300mg of Effexor as of last night. Okay, happy silly giddiness feel free to start at any moment! ;)
So, I'm not sure where I'm going tonight, I just felt like posting. It seems at night I'm able to connect to my thoughts better, and usually it is when I just sit down and let my fingers fly....
I'm really good at this victim stuff. I'm great at being sick, broken, confused, hurt, angry, scared, and beaten. It's pretty safe. I don't have to expect too much out of myself, and everyone needs to love me and take care of me. Anyone who expects too much from me or treats me poorly is a horrible monster kicking a broken little girl trapped in a woman's body. I sure don't feel like a woman. I wouldn't refer to myself that way. An adult yes...but I guess I haven't stepped into my full power as a woman. Instead I am an adult-girl....a girl shrouded in layers of fat and walls of insecurity. Granted, I am suffering with a legitimate mental illness of depression…but what I’m talking about is the odd comfort I am receiving from being wrapped up in depression.
I talk about “monsters” that would “kick a broken little girl trapped in a woman’s body”. Yet, I do it to myself all the time. I literally beat myself every day…I want it, I deserve it, I don’t know when it will ever be enough. I deserve it for every time I haven ‘t gone hiking with John, or called my parents to check in, or been an honest person/employee/daughter/friend. I deserve it for every time I stole, for every time I cheated, for every time I created unrest/conflict in my home, for every time I am selfish, for every time I am less than I could be, for every time I have taken more than my share, for every time I’ve let my anxiety ruin someone else’s plans. I deserve it for being bad, lazy, crazy, scared, stupid, fat, ugly…I deserve to be kicked and ignored and bashed against a wall for every time I have left my house a mess, for every time I’ve let someone down, ….you see I’m a pretty lousy person. Let me be clear…this is in no way an attempt for me to manipulate a bunch of people into giving me inspirational statements and tell me I’m wrong…this is an attempt at me getting into my own mind and understand what is going on inside the part of me that has been practicing self hate. Man, when I start journaling all those things I start to understand that side that sees me as a big ass mess….like no wonder why…who could love someone who is so whacked out.
Yeah, yeah, I know everyone does bad things…no one’s perfect…and if I heard someone I care for talking this way I would say “Of course you don’t deserve that!!! You need to love yourself!!!! You’re worth it!”. It is hard to apply that to myself.
I want to get in a position in which I can respect myself and start treating myself better. I want to be in a position of power and dignity…love and grace….strength. I just have no clue how to do it. At least it seems really out of reach.
How in the world is this self battering comforting. It makes no sense. Blah…..

Posted by True_Colors at 05:37 in Link Comments (1)

Comments
What‘s familiar is comfortable. Trying something new can be scary. Plus in my case I tend to be pretty stubborn. If I‘m in a bad mood I‘ll stay there just cause I‘m too stubborn to make myself do anything to feel better.
Written by: Heather at 2005/05/13 - 04:15

Anxiety/Depression Scores

2005-05-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

Anxiety 29--Moderate
Depression 23--Moderate
Anxiety scores higher for the week because I went to a grand opening for an outlet mall store this weekend that was super crowded/pushy people (like day after thanksgiving)....as we were walking around and there were people everywhere I started to feel anxiety/panic...which hasn't really happened before. I used breathing techniques and eventually adjusted and calmed down (we were there for like 5 hrs). Lately I've been better at identifying my muscles tightening as it is happening. Particularly right in my neck/shoulder area...that seems to be tense much of the time.
John has been really anxious/stressed lately too. Which definitely adds to my feelings of anxiousness. Now is an interesting time for us with John starting his new business. It is scary and exciting all at the same time.
Depression…same old same old really. Score is lower than previous weeks but about the same as last week. I'm really seeing itself manifest at work lately. It is really hard to get myself to work, and once I'm here it is hard to be productive. I've also had a hard time wanting to do much. I've done stuff, but it seems like I'd almost rather just be at home on the couch watching TV/movies…even though once I've gotten myself into the other stuff I have a good time.
I'm looking forward to our vacation to Lake Tahoe starting on Wednesday. Time to spend with John/The Fam without work or the pressures of daily life. Should be nice!
Posted by True_Colors at 17:56 in Link Comments (1)

Comments
Vacations always help to relax. :) The trouble is coming back from them to see all the things that have piled up in the meantime.
Written by: Steve at 2005/05/09 - 18:35

Insights from Counseling

2005-05-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

Hello. So, I went to counseling this afternoon and spent the whole time reading/discussing word for word my entry and the subsequent long string of comments between John/Heidi/I. Directly before my appointment I wrote my entry about the truth in the posts from John/Heidi.
Anyway, Dr.Clark talked about how she saw my initial post as raw emotional/uncensored thoughts, and said it is really important to get those out. She said me saying things like I need love, support, help, someone to fight for me when I feel like I can't is the child inside crying for help...which coincides with my comments to Heidi about wanting to be carried around like a baby. There is a big hurting part of me that is a scared little girl. That part of me has healthy entitlement feelings that any child would have...need to be safe, protected, taken care of, soothed....I'm going back and healing the hurting child inside right now...because my wounds go back that far. So, naturally I'm having feelings of wanting that kind of comfort. Parts of me need that "poor baby, let me hold you and rock you and make everything better"....
Now, the adult part of me knows I can't get that exactly...so I need to take the support I can/am getting and somehow let that filter down to the little girl. So, although I need to accept the truth that I am an adult and I am ultimately responsible for getting well, I---like anyone--still need support along the way. Which I know those of you who love me and are walking with me on this journey are giving. I ask that you continue to love me, stand by me, and do what you can to be patient with me as I twist and turn, stumble and fall along my path.
Dr. Clark said she was concerned that it seemed like in my most recent comment acknowledging the truth in John/Heidi’s statements that I might be closing off again/backpedaling. As soon as she said it, I acknowledged that my first instinct after reading Heidi’s comments was to just say cheerily something like, “I’m fine, just forget everything I ever said, nothings wrong, life is grand, let’s pretend like none of this ever happened”. Also, I was immediately drawn to feeling really guilty for stating my true feelings in the moment. She said that I need to try to remain open and it is okay to speak my raw emotions and it is an honest representation of where I’m at, and it is important for people in my life to see that, so that I am not just hiding it inside and eating volumes on the outside to cover it up/self-soothe.
So…interesting insights today.
I will keep making my way along this crazy path! J
Thanks for loving me through it…and please look for language/thoughts from the little girl in the future…I’ll try to be more clear about identifying them as such now that I have this awareness….

Posted by True_Colors at 06:00 in Link Comments (3)

Comments
This journey is a long one - with many peaks and valleys. You‘ve been revisiting who you are and who you have been on a regular basis and redetermining and reconfirming your personal value to yourself and others almost daily. It‘s not easy being Michele right now, I‘m sure of it. Even though you are doing and need to be doing the majority of the hard work, know that all of us are here to keep pushing you along. We won‘t let you become apathetic or give up. You‘re loved by many!
Written by: John at 2005/05/05 - 18:39

I‘m glad you gained some input from another perspective at your counseling session. When I read your last post I was also thinking of how it sounded like you were going to be closing yourself off more from now on. It‘s hard for people not to feel attacked or responsible, but it‘s important for you to be able to say what you‘re feeling and not have to censor things based on how you think other people will take them. I think the blog is a good way to vent your feelings in that it‘s not a personal letter to one person - you‘re not directing your feelings at someone, you‘re just making them known. I may be biased in my advice as I struggle with feelings of lack of support at times too and would like to think venting that is okay. I also have a hard time being motivated to reach out to others and "make myself feel better." I agree there‘s truth in the impetus depending on no one but yourself, but it‘s important to validate the feelings you‘re having.

Written by: Heather at 2005/05/08 - 00:06
Thanks so much for your post Heather...I needed that validation/understanding! :)
Written by: Michele at 2005/05/08 - 18:24

Thinking Things Over

2005-05-04T19:46:00.000-07:00

Hello All,
So, I've been reading and rereading over the last few posts and the comments made by John, me, and Heidi. I've been trying to figure out why they have been eliciting such a strong response of emotion from me...of anger/defensiveness/etc. I think it is because there is so much truth in John/Heidi's comments...truth I haven't wanted to face. Now that I'm getting it...that I'm seeing the impact I've had on some of you by posting my thoughts about feeling a lack of support (or support in the form that I've wanted/thought I was entitled to) I'm feeling really, really bad. I'm sorry for the effect I've had on some of you. I'm sorry, Heidi (and anyone else), that I've caused you to worry about me...and that I've made some comments without thinking/worrying about the impact they might have on you, particularly when it comes to joking about self harm. My joke about drinking and driving (which I would like to clarify has not happened on what I would consider to be an unsafe level ever in my life...and I'm very sensitive to that) come when Heidi expressed concern that she didn't want me to endanger myself and others by drinking too much and driving. Basically, I said that if I were endangering someone I would care more about Shadow than myself...I shouldn't have said that....I've find myself saying stupid comments like that while I've been depressed, but I know people take that really seriously, and it isn't something I should throw around the way I have. I'm sorry.
It hasn't been fair of me to put unrealistic expectations on people and then spend my time beating up people I care about and using their "lack of support" as an evidence to beat myself up, and prove that I am worthless. I know this is messed up thinking and that is preventing me from taking responsibility for myself.
John/Heidi/Jessica(by phone) you are all right. I know I have to do this for myself. I just haven't wanted to accept that. Your words have been stinging because they have been truth. And, sometimes, when you aren't ready to embrace the truth, it hurts.
I plan to discuss this in counseling in about an hour to gain more clarity and healthy thinking....
Love to all, and I'm sorry for being kinda jerky/inconsiderate/entitled lately. I'm doing my best to get better and part of that is examining my true thoughts as they come even if they are totally distorted and messed up. I'll try to be more careful while doing so to prevent damaging my relationships and hurting people.
Posted by True_Colors at 21:42 in Link Comments (2)

Comments
A very powerful entry. Bravo.
Written by: Steve at 2005/05/05 - 01:22

I think it\‘s great that you\‘re owning up to where you may have been wrong, Buck. I think that in itself shows growth.
Written by: Shelly at 2005/05/05 - 02:49

Depression/Anxiety Thurs-Monday

2005-05-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

Depression/Anxiety Thurs-Monday
Depression score: 22 (mild 11-20/moderate 21-30)...much better than last week. I stayed with John's parents Thurs-Sat am and had a good talk with Jacquie/played with Julia/Nic, did tons of work on making the apt less cluttered all Sat, and needed to shift focus from my own negative thinking to help support John through a difficult time...all this helped my depression
Anxiety score: 30 (moderate 21-30/severe 31-50/ extreme 51-99) Higher than it has been...had the beginnings of a panic attack last thursday afternoon while driving...hasn't happened in a long time...
Posted by True_Colors at 19:06 in Link Comments (

Please comment

2005-04-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

hello all, if you read this please comment...I'm testing to see who actually reads my blog and how soon after I post this usually happens...some people close to me who I passed on the link to have never posted, so I'm just curious to see if you read it and just don't comment, or if you don't read it....just curious. Thanks Everyone!!!
Posted by True_Colors at 03:32 in Link Comments (7)

First post. ;)
Written by: Steve at 2005/04/27 - 21:28

Comment
Written by: John at 2005/04/27 - 22:36

This is your nan!
Written by: Lisa at 2005/04/28 - 00:52

You know, I tried commenting yesterday, but that image of the "code" you have to copy wasn‘t showing up so it wouldn‘t let me.
Written by: Jessica at 2005/04/28 - 01:51

Hello...
Written by: Heidi at 2005/04/28 - 02:57

...this thing on?
Written by: shells at 2005/04/28 - 08:00

Hi - just want to let you know that I too tried to respond earlier, but was having ‘technical difficulties‘ - I couldn‘t see the code either.(just so you know, I would have been the first response . . not that this was a competition, or anything like that . . and not that I‘m ridiculous about competing . . .);)
Written by: Anji at 2005/05/01 - 00:48

Dr. Appt This A.M.

2005-04-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

This morning at 8:30 I have an appointment with a nurse practitioner who specializes in psychotropic meds to discuss my current antidepressent (effexor xr 150mg) and to talk about potentially changing my meds. I hope she's a lot more knowledgable than previous docs who have seemed to know almost nothing about antidepressents and basically give me what I tell them to...
My psychologist says that one way to know you need the antidepressents is if you are having trouble with "organic" *I think that is the word she used * things....like sleeping a lot, trouble with motivation to do things...even things that would/should bring pleasure. We'll see...
Also, I have had increasing diffuculty with anxiety lately...more than I have had in a while.
At this point if I can get on a good antidepressent to help give me the energy/mood support to do the work I need to do that would be really benificial. It is hard having things I know I want to do, and that I think would really help me, but to feel like doing them is climbing mt. everest. Even making a phone call to check into something I'm interested in can seem like a big challenge...getting myself in the shower and to work...getting myself in the car to go visit a friend...or to go get a haircut can feel like big challenges.
I'll update you guys on how it goes...
Posted by True_Colors at 16:09 in Link Comments (0)

Struggling to find the positives

2005-04-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me just how difficult it is to see the positives in my life. It is quite a struggle to sift through the day and pick out the glimmers of light. I'm at a place in my depression workbook where I'm supposed to start writing down my negative thoughts regularly so I can look at them and find the distorted thinking...in the same notebook/spot where I do that, I'm also going to keep track of the positives as they happen throughout the day...maybe that will help keep me more focused on them/aware. Ultimately, I would love to shift my focus on them and away from my negative thinking...
Posted by True_Colors at 17:13 in Link Comments (1)

Comments
I think that is a great idea Buck. It\‘s too easy to feel bogged down by all the crappy stuff. There\‘s always gotta be something positive in the day...sometimes it just takes a little work to dig through the junk to find it. Godspeed Buck.
Written by: Shelly at 2005/04/22 - 17

Thursday's Positives

2005-04-22T19:37:00.000-07:00

Positive/Grateful
1. Played Boggle with Anji
2. A guy at work complimented me on my hair
3. Had a really good talk with Anji that helped me to reframe some negative thinking I was having about a work situation
4. Grateful for snuggling with Shadow
5. Grateful for being relatively sane…and being in a position to be able to help people who struggle more than I do. Being able to brighten the day of someone who struggles with anxiety/depression/other mental illness makes me feel really good.
5. Grateful for a husband who sat with me for hours last night encouraging to dream, and dreaming with me about a fulfilling future.
Healthy things
1. Started working on a tape to submit to the Starting Over show to be considered for next seasons casting. It is a crazy long shot…I didn’t even want to do it because I couldn’t bare the thought that it will just be pointless/lost among the thousands of other videos, but John basically said I need to do it…if for no other reason than to bust out of that hopeless thinking…so he helped me tape part of it…
2. Read more of my book on cognitive behavioral treatment for depression.
3. Talked about my feelings after a stressful incident at work instead of stuffing them away/not acknowledging them.

Posted by True_Colors at 17:09 in Link Comments (0)

Yesterday's positives

2005-04-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

Positives/Grateful:
1. A nice clean (I gave Shadow a bath yesterday) dog to cuddle with
2. I found the energy/motivation to clean the nasty kitchen
3. Being able to wake up slowly and do things in my own time
Healthy things:
1. Drank a yummy/nutritious fruit smoothly
2. Got myself out of the house to my hair appointment even though I was feeling too blah to even want to go do a fun thing
3. Did my nails (self care)

Yesterday was a hard day. I had such a lack of motivation for a large part of it. And my hair didn't turn out how I pictured so I was bummed for spending so much money and not getting the result I wanted... I'm still letting that negative energy drag me down this morning. I didn't go to a cpr/first aid training this morning because I just couldn't find the energy to go put into learning something new and interacting with people. I need to find a way this morning to get out of da' funk!!!! I thought the positive/grateful/healthy list would make me feel better, but either I didn't have a lot positive/healthy yesterday, or my negative thinking is preventing me from seeing it because it was incredibly difficult to come up with stuff...which kinda keeps me feeling down.....SNAP OUT OF IT MICHELE!!!!

Posted by True_Colors at 19:15 in Link Comments (3)

Comments
YEAH! Snap out of IT! Am I going to have to come over there?
Written by: John at 2005/04/21 - 20:21

Yes sweety, I would love for you to come over here!!! ;)
Written by: Michele at 2005/04/21 - 20:52

Oh geesh....let\\‘s keep this pg kids...lol. I can\\‘t wait to see the new hair lynn sue--even if it isn\\‘t how you wanted it to turn out I bet it is gorgeous! Just like you!!! I am really looking foward to seeing you next week! Hang in there and keep loving yourself!
Written by: Heids at 2005/04/22 - 06

Positive Things

2005-04-20T19:35:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't done this since like last Thursday...so I will list things that come to mind for mostly today/yesterday but maybe some stuff going further back...and try to do it more frequently because it does help me to reframe my thinking...
Positive things that happened/things I'm grateful for:
1. Played Mexican Train (really fun domino game)
2. Felt a lot happier today and more energetic than yesterday
3. One of my houses had a major victory in an issue we've been working on for months.
4. One of my clients complimented me on what a good job he thinks I'm doing/held the door open for me to leave at the end of the meeting
5. Anji's back at work!!!! :)
6. Lisa posted a new blog entry just for me :)
7. I felt good about how my hair/outfit looked today
8. I found some yummy tea at QFC (market spice tea)
Healthy things I've done for me:
1. Got out of the house on Friday when I was sinking lower into depression and drove to John's parents house...stopped my isolation
2. Made an appointment at Gene Juarez for self care (haircut/all over color/highlights)
3. Went to counseling
4. Asked John to go on a short walk last night
5. Took the depression/anxiety self tests and plan to do it weekly
Posted by True_Colors at 02:11 in Link Comments (5)

Comments
yay for mexican train. We‘ll have to bring that when we go to Reno!!! WOO-HOO! Reno in 3 weeks!
Written by: Jess at 2005/04/20 - 02:50

Train dominos are the best. My parents have them and they are very fun. Also you might like Five Crowns, it is a card game.
Written by: Steve at 2005/04/20 - 04:56

I have absolutely nothing to say about dominos - but way to go on forcing yourself outta the slump of isolation/depression. I was reading an Architectural magazine today and there was one title that said "Beautiful and Light Bright." And I thought...awww Buck!!
Written by: Shelly at 2005/04/20 - 06:28

Hey! I just caught up on all of the blog entries - I don‘t know if I‘ve told you, but I feel quite privledged to have access to your posts - I feel as though I know you in a way I never could have by just working together. Glad to see that my coming back to work was a good thing! ;) I enjoy it when you are at work too - sorry you had to work alone earlier in the week - no fun. On Friday, when it will be just you and me in the office, we should plan a standing appt. - not necessarily to talk about work (although we could) but also to play boggle, go to lunch/breakfast, just touch base . . . whaddya think? I really like seeing your positive/grateful lists - a good reminder that there is always something to be grateful for.
Written by: Anji at 2005/04/21 - 05:57

Anji---sounds great to me! :) Maybe we could become Kate‘s regulars? And I always love boggle...also we should try mexican train sometime...it is really fun.
Written by: Michele at 2005/04/21 - 19:19

Anxiety/Depression Scale

2005-04-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

Every monday I'm going to try to remember to do the Burns Anxiety Inventory/Burns Depression Checklist to gauge these two issues.
Anxiety Score: 23 (moderate anxiety) relevant portion of scale:11-20=mild 21-30=moderate
Depression Score: 28 (moderate depression) relevant portion of scale: 21-30=moderate
31-45=severe
Anyone interested in checking your own score let me know and I'll send you the details on how to do it.

Posted by True_Colors at 23:46 in Link Comments (3)

Comments
Interesting. Is there an online test, or how does it work?
Written by: Steve at 2005/04/19 - 02:13

I‘ll email you pdf versions
Written by: Michele at 2005/04/19 - 05:00

It won‘t be tonight though because they are in my office...I‘ll try to do it tomorrow evening
Written by: Michele at 2005/04/19 - 05

Rough Day

2005-04-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

Hello All...
I'm having a rough day today. It started when I woke up at 7:30 (a little later than usual) and had no motivation what so ever to shower/get dressed/get going with my day. I wanted to eat brownies for breakfast, but resisted the temptation (yeah for healthy positive choices) and opted for a glass of water and watching a recorded episode of the apprentice. My dad than called me (yeah for dad calling, doesn't happen much)...after I got off the phone with my dad it was already a little after 8 (normally should be headed out the door at that point). I finally got in shower, got dressed and ready--kind of--feel nasty because no makeup, kind scanky clothes, hair still mostly wet and up in a ponytail. Shadow and I proceeded to work.
No one from my department is working but me...and hardly anyone else on my floor. So I feel really alone/isolated. I started by mixing up a healthy serving of carnation instant breakfast, but the milk I bought was slightly rank, so it didn't taste very well. Mid way through I pulled out 6 Oreos to help the taste...a few sips later I decided I couldn't finish the instant breakfast...I proceeded to finish the Oreos and have 6 more. After I felt heavy and gross/bad about myself for making a bad choice...I was able to focus for a little bit, but then got really sleepy (sugar low anyone)...so I had like 4 of this big gummy things with sugar on the outside. This made me feel grosser and worse about myself...and I'm still feeling really tired. If only I hadn't set myself up for this by buying Oreos/gummies yesterday and stashing them in my desk.....
Anyway now it is noon, I'm kinda hungry for real food but feeling nasty and bad about myself...beating myself up with negative self talk *sigh*. And I have absolutely no desire to work for another 5 hrs. It is like a form of torture to be here alone with a list of things to do...none of which I have motivation/desire to do. And feeling so freakin' tired like I could lay down on my desk and sleep right now...I got plenty of sleep last night...must be the depression/negative thinkin and feeling??? And I have no diversion of talking with a coworker to get me refocused/refreshed and help get out of this isolated funk I'm feeling I'm in.....
Posted by True_Colors at 21:12 in Link Comments (2)

Comments
I hope your day gets better soon Michele! I cant wait until you and John come down again!!
Written by: Lisa at 2005/04/15 - 21:38

Set the oreos down and step slowly back...if that doesn‘t work throw them out the window! I‘m sorry you are having a rough day Lynn Sue! Sometimes when I‘m in a major funk / feeling bad about myself it helps to get out and do something. Don‘t let yourself sit at home tonight watching tv or feeling bad....get out there and do something fun. Go for a walk with Shadow. Force yourself to be around people so you remember you are a part of the world...something larger than yourself or your problems. Love you tons sis!
Written by: Heidi at 2005/04/15 - 23:27

Positive List

2005-04-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

Positive things that happened today/things I'm grateful for
1. Stranger at a meeting who sat behind me complimented me on my hair
2. Person held door open for me at the post office
3. Went to the dog park...saw a cute pug who played with Shadow
4. Had lots of fun joking around with Tim in the meeting this morning
5. Had great talk with John tonight for like 2 hrs....feeling connected and more on the same page than I have with him in a quite a while
Positive things I have done for my health today:
1. Worked out on an eliptical this morning for 30min
2. Bought healthy breakfast/snack options for work
3. Ate a few servings of veggies with dinner
4. Made a concious effort today to notice the positives that happened through out the day
Hmmm...despite all the positives I'm feeling bad about myself for not eating well (lots of junk in the afternoon). I'm letting that taint all the other good things I did/I have to be grateful for....it's a process...
Goodnight to all and to all a good night!
Posted by True_Colors at 06:31 in Link Comments (1)

Comments
It\‘s good that you\‘re listing your positives every day! If you\‘re focused on them, you can\‘t be as focused on negative things. Plus, you allow yourself more opportunity to see what works for you and makes you happy. I think it\‘s a great process to learn more about yourself.
Written by: John at 2005/04/15 - 19:19

Focusing on the positive

2005-04-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

Trying to focus on the positive and fill myself up with gratitude….
At least three positive things/things I’m grateful for today:
Steve (someone who I traditionally haven’t even been close to and who up until recently I wouldn’t even have said likes me) has been really quick to respond on my blog with support/helpful comments/perspective.
Marty offered for me to switch out desks for a better one and then moved them for me.
I got to go to the dog park and spend quality time with Shadow.
Anji did my alder commons meeting so I could have today as my regular day off (woo hoo to only working 4 days a week)
Lisa was supportive and listened to me when I was upset

At least three positive things I did to contribute to a healthier life
I drank a lot of water
I ate veggies
I wrote an entry in my blog about my commitment to positively/not beating myself up
Posted by True_Colors at 07:26 in Link Comments (1)

Comments
Congratulations. A good step indeed.
Written by: Steve at 2005/04/14 - 19:56

Time for Healing...

2005-04-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

A big part of my journey to health is learning to be kinder to me. Treating myself with respect, love, honor, caring...Because I'm recognizing now just how beat up I have felt. I did a drawing of myself a month ago or so, and then inside wrote all the feelings I was having....included in those feelings were "beaten" and "battered". I have done this to myself, and I have allowed others to do the same. I have treated myself like a piece of trash by saying horrible things to myself, putting crappy food into my body, and allowing others to dishonor me and tell me I am not good enough/ not worth kindness and love. I've made an active/conscience decision to treat myself better, and to not keep myself in situations/relationships in which I am being treated negatively.

I know this will be a process….it is an incredible challenge to change the dialogue that has been playing in my head for years. It is also a daunting task to identify toxic situations/relationships and detoxify or discontinue them. I have been surrounded by a lot of painful/angry/hurtful energy in my life…and a lot of that energy is inside my very being.

The good news is that I am finally taking a stand for myself. I have a lot of wounds to heal and brokenness to mend. I am going to do my very best to protect myself from further verbal/ emotional abuse and give myself lots of TLC. Anything I can do to comfort myself/ rock myself/love myself/hold myself will be helpful in my efforts to heal.

What do you guys do to take care of yourselves, love yourselves, honor yourselves, etc?
Let’s pick up the feedback here…I need input from my support network!!! J Are you guys still reading?
Posted by True_Colors at 03:08 in Link Comments (3)

Comments
Just focus on what is good in your life and realize that life is what you make of it. Focus on each day, each minute. Live in the present moment -- not worrying about the future or past. Realize that right now you have everything you need to be happy. Of course, easier said than done.
Written by: Steve at 2005/04/14 - 04:35

Thanks for your comments and support Steve. You always have an interesting perspective/way of looking at things...and I appreciate your feedback. :)
Written by: Michele at 2005/04/14 - 05:17
When everything around me seems chaotic the best thing for me to do is just stop and re-evaluate what I‘m sacraficing for something else - and if I‘m spending my time wisely. I know what ultimately makes me happy and if I feel like I‘m letting those things slide, then there‘s gotta be some adjustments. I think it‘s important to fight every day to make yourself a priority sometime throughout the day by doing things that will make you feel better and more fulfilled as a person.
Written by: Shelly at 2005/04/14 - 17:40

some journal excerpts from last week

2005-04-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

This is an entry from my journal about my dream/goals I’ve decided to pursue:

In a light bright house with a fenced in yard in a good neighborhood in the Lynnwood/Bothell area. Working 4 days a week and pursuing other things. Learning to play the piano, swimming in the morning for cardio, obedience training with Shadow, OA, tennis lessons, learning to dance hip hop/other styles…hosting gatherings and seeing support network on a regular basis…someone to come clean the house at least once a week. Doing regular self care.

Some more insight into some of my journaling from this past week:

The big thing on my mind this morning is that I have no direction. I don’t know what to shoot for, what I want….why I’m even living. What’s the point? I have no point right now. Work is temporary….not shooting for success or climbing the latter there. No school…no future career plans/goals. No outside activities….and I can’t see my life being driven by those anyway. I need a purpose. I can’t be happy just excelling at a sport or hobby. But working with this population isn’t jiving with me either. I need to feel like I am making a difference in the world.

I can’t do that though when I am feeling so crappy at my core. With these extra layers of fat holding me down. When I have such poor self esteem….but that is part of why I have such poor self esteem. I guess sometimes you just have to start even though you aren’t feeling ideal…it’s the only way to break the cycle. Fake it till you make it. ;) Something like that. Maybe I have to work at doing these “happy” things even when I’m not feeling the motivation…maybe that will start/create the momentum.

Back to my purpose. My purpose is not making a lot of money…it isn’t investing in real estate. My purpose is helping people. It is walking along side of people who need support. Or do I just think that because that is what I need right now? I’m a right fighter…I want to stand up for people who can’t stand up for themselves. Or is that because that is what I need? And if that is truly what I want to do…why can’t I do it for myself first?

It’s like I’ve been keeping myself in jail…locked up in this fat. I’m not allowed to do certain things/ talk to people/ feel confident as long as I am in this package. I wish I could set myself free.

Posted by True_Colors at 07:59 in Link Comments (0)

Emotional...Blah
Feeling emotional tonight. Thinking about heading back to work...one more way I'll be settling back into life pre-leaving for the treatment center. I'm feeling a deep sense of disappointment. I'm Just disappointed that I didn't have this time for me to find a deeper understanding, and to find my way back to believing in myself again. Instead I am coming back prematurely not having accomplished what I was so excited and mentally prepared to accomplish. I really wanted this. I know I can do stuff at home…that I already have by dreaming/planning/coming up with goals….but it just isn't the same as what I imagined/expected I would be doing right now.

I haven't cried since I arrived back. I feel like I should have by now. There's a lot of emotion under the surface. I've tried to just not even feel it and move on. Focus on getting up and moving on….But still, I've had a loss. I lost an opportunity I so desperately wanted. I know I can still do it….I know it is good just that I have the drive/desire/motivation to find myself again, to believe in myself again…to feel, to live. But I was so looking forward to a serious jump start. Maybe I should have stayed there…maybe it could have provided me with at least a place to be away for that month. But, it wasn't the right environment…I know that.

Anyway, back to the emotion. Sadness, loss…a loss of a dream of a magical place/time in my life that would bring me back to life…or bring me truly alive for the first time in my life. I wanted an environment with tons of peer support and counseling time to feel my sadness hurts, to grieve them, to find strength within myself, to come into my power, and to come out the a woman ready to be in this world…to be and stand strong and healthy in my power as a special individual. I wanted to re-present to my loved ones, peers, coworkers, and clients with this renewed spirit…I wanted to re-enter my old life with this new perspective/skill set and knowing what needed to be changed and how. Instead I am reentering with little change…only the beginnings of an idea of what I want and a less than sketchy plan of how to achieve it.

Sad…Disappointed…Hurt….and wanting to marinate in those feelings a while….but I'm pretty sure it won't do any good. After all, I've had quite a bit of experience doing that in the last few years…

Blah
Posted by True_Colors at 08:15 in Link Comments (0)

When Coming Home is Scary...

2005-04-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm heading home today. I'm scared/nervous. I'm afraid I'll come back home to the same old habits/ loneliness/ chaotic mess. It’s been so nice to spend time in a family as more of a daughter/sibling. I’ve been able to kind of go with the flow instead of directing the flow. I’ve been able to focus on just picking up after myself, and helping in the kitchen instead feeling responsible for running the house/ making meals/ keeping the whole house clean. I’ve been able to play with Julia and Nic, and get the comfort/love from a live in “mom”. Julia has read a story to Nic and I almost every night as we all lay on the floor cuddled up in blankets and stuffed animals. It has been healing and safe. I’ve felt a sense of success with a manageable amount of responsibility. I’ve been able to focus on eating well, listening/being nicer to myself without the demands of my daily life.

The life I have had, the one I’m scared to return to is one of endless responsibility and unreachable expectations. My own expectations and John’s expectations. I think that is a big part of why I have numbed out with binging and TV. I have felt too overwhelmed and bombarded by a life I have not been able to manage. I think I have not been able to manage if for a variety of reasons: depression, anxiety, unrealistic expectations are the main ones that come to mind. Because I feel like I haven’t been able to succeed as expected to, I’ve been really hard on myself. I haven’t been giving myself positive affirmations/self talk. I haven’t been proud of myself, because there in my mind, if I’m not meeting mine/John’s expectations in full, there is no reason to.

I’ve come up with a list of things that I think will be fulfilling/happiness inducing for me. I have even started on some goals to work toward reaching my picture of a happier life. However, now that I have been writing I’m starting to see that these may just add to the overwhelming feelings. If I can’t manage basic daily life: working full time, picking up after myself/ keeping my house clean, making balanced regular meals, and spending quality time with John, how am I going to do all these other things? Or maybe adding these other things will make me less depressed, so I will be more motivated in regular life activities?....I’m not sure.

Any thoughts/comments/insight from my readers?

Posted by True_Colors at 19:02 in Link Comments (1)

Comments
This may not be an option for you, but it‘s what I do in such situations.First, think about what matters in your life. Next, think about where you spend most of your time. If you‘re like me, you‘ll see that "work" tends to be low on the list of things that matter, yet high on the list of places where time is spent. Therefore, try to work less. I know this is contrary to all the wisdom of the day which says work more so you have more money to buy happiness with, but I‘m not convinced that‘s how it works. When I was particularly overworked a few years back (working until 7pm six days a week), I set up a rule: come 5pm, I‘m going home, regardless of the state of the work. Further, whenever I‘m at home, I will not think about or do any work. That rule I think saved my sanity, or what little of it I had in the first place. :)Also, another thing contrary to common wisdom is simply: lower your expectations. Do you expect to have time to vacuum everyday? How about twice a week instead? Do you expect to clean the bathroom weekly? Chuck a toilet bowl cleaner in the tank and make it every two weeks. Failing that, you could always just become a stoner. They‘re relaxed. :)
Written by: Steve at 2005/04/07 - 19:21

Moving on

2005-04-04T19:19:00.000-07:00

Hello All. Sorry it has been a while since my last entry. I've been taking some time to just process and try not to be hard on myself for the unfortunate outcome of last week. I've been staying in Issaquah with John's parents. It has been nice to be in a peaceful/quiet place. No tenants/no sirens/no working with crazy people....just being, and practicing listening to myself without mind numbing binges or TV watching all of the time.
So, the treatment center was a lot more medical/chaotic than I expected. The went through my items one by one and took away anything that could be self harming or inducing vomiting...They took my magazines (images of skinny stars), the scarf Jess made for me (even though I could have strangled myself with my jeans legs easier), my shampoo, all my cords, the glass out of my picture frames, my blow-dryer, my hot rollers, etc. I was surrounded by mostly anorexic looking people despite being told that the program is made up of 50% compulsive overeaters normally. There were two other people that were my weight or larger...the rest were average to underweight. When I got there they just kind of tossed me in without an explanation of what I would be doing that day or any future days. There was a point where I was in my new room for like 1.5 hrs with no explanation of what would happen next or what I should be doing. My roommate was personality disordered and tried to talk me into letting her use my credit card in order to buy her a plane ticket home. After eating we all had to go into one room together for a half hour and couldn't leave without a buddy to prevent purging. While we were eating lunch two people ran out of the room covering their mouths like they were about to throw up. I felt really really alone, not safe, not taken care of, and in the twilight zone.
Now, I still think this program could have been potentially beneficial. However, the way I was treated by staff as a patient in a psycho ward of a hospital and not made to feel comfortable/safe absolutely did not work for me. In order to heal and face the biggest challenge of my life I needed to feel as safe and taken care of as possible. Not dropped in to a hospital full of people who were mostly much sicker than me (with other mental disorders/self harming behaviors/addictions).
Maybe in a few days I would have adjusted and all would have been okay, and I could have left better off....I don't know. But even if that were the case the reality of the situation is that I did not have what it took mentally to keep myself there, and they did not have what it took in their organization/customer service/structure to be comforting/nurturing/supportive enough to get me through that adjustment period.
So, what's done is done, and all I can do is move on from here. It would have been/would be easier to just lay down and sink deeper into depression...to be so disappointed that my expectation of the next month did not match up with reality.
But, I know that my dedication to recovery and to living is not going to be judged/ shown/determined by my leaving that place that wasn't right for me...it is going to be shown by what I do after such a roadblock in my path to recovery. The race isn't always won by the person who can run it the fastest, it is often won by the person who can keep getting up each time they stumble, brush themselves off, and keep running/stumbling on to the finish line.
I'm still working on my plan for my next steps...I'll post here when it becomes more clear to me.

Love to all, and thanks for your support. You have told me you are still behind me, and that your support isn't limited to my success...it is here for me throughout this journey, and will help pick me up when I have fallen. Which is so important to me!

Posted by True_Colors at 17:29 in Link Comments (3)

Comments
Michele, I am so sorry the experience was so radically different than what you were expecting. That must have been a nasty shock to find yourself "institutionalized" in the worst sense of the word with no attention to your needs as a person. The scene you described sounds awful. Maybe, as you seemed to indicate, the program is meant for more seriously ill individuals that need that kind of supervision and structure. It certainly doesn‘t sound like a place you‘d be comfortable openning up, or even being able to relax. Even so, I‘m sure it took a lot of strength to "back out" after all the planning and anticipation. There are times when self discipline is necessary even if you don‘t want to do something, but considering the circumstances, this doesn‘t sound like a situation where you "wimped out." So as Lisa said, take some time to relax and collect your thoughts and then move on knowing your decision wasn‘t a "failure" as you titled your last post. The program was a failure in that it didn‘t meet your needs, your decision to opt out wasn‘t. I‘m rambling. :P Your description made me want to cry and I wasn‘t even there - that doesn‘t sound like a place that would be conducive to healing. I think leaving when you know it isn‘t right shows more strength than staying because you feel obligated to.
Written by: Heather at 2005/04/04 - 23:31

I wish I had something important to say right now—something of worth to offer up to you. It is so hard when the darkness closes in and you have to do your best to pretend you are basking in the light everyone else seems to see. Everyone else seems so perfect and the weight of one more smile feels as if it will crush you. So many faces pass without meaning. Like shadows in the night never really seeing more than the faint line that separates you from everyone else you are afraid to get too close and lose yourself in the image of another. No one seems real and everything inside you is screaming for one truth to hold onto. Just one thing you know to be true about who you are. Like the jagged edges of a broken mirror you see yourself not as a whole but rather imagine your image as the distorted, shattered pieces of glass reflected in the eyes of others—never allowing yourself to see yourself as others truly do. In a way it is easier to tell yourself no one will ever understand you—no one knows who you really are because if you never let them in they can never hurt you. Standing on the edge staring at nothing it is easier to imagine no one has ever looked down and seen what you have. Shelly, Michele, Buck, Lynn Sue, Sister. I can‘t seem to tell you anything of value, but I can madly ramble write until my eyes blurr...go figure...lol. I have been reading your blogs tonight and thinking about you and praying for you and in the end just let my fingers find the keys. I love you! I am really excited to spend some quality time with you this weekend!
Written by: Heids at 2005/04/05 - 04:22

Hey Michele - Glad to get your post and hear that you are in a safe, comfortable place and taking some time for yourself. Reading the details of your experience makes me sad - I was so hoping it was going to be everything you wanted it to be and more. It clearly wasn\‘t meant to be. I so strongly believe there is a reason it happened the way it did - hopefully that will become evident in the days/weeks to come. Enjoy your time this week - looking forward to seeing you again!
Written by: Anji at 2005/04/07 - 04:45

Failure

2005-04-01T19:14:00.000-08:00

I am home. I flew down, spent the day until 7pm in the hospital, got in a taxi, went to the airport, and flew back home. I'm here now. Tired, emotionally spent, feeling like a complete failure. I feel like I have let myself down and everyone else who rallied to my support. The program was not what I expected. More on that later...I don't want to relive in through writing about it at this moment. However, it still could have been what I needed...but if it was I did not have what it took to keep myself there.
I want to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on in my journey to health, but right now in this moment I am having trouble moving past the guilt/shame/saddness/frustration/disappointment of this moment...
Posted by True_Colors at 17:01 in Link Comments (1)

Comments
Shell~ Just remember what we talked about on the phone earlier :) Just relax these next few days! Love ya much!
Written by: Lisa at 2005/04/02 - 02:19

Information

2005-03-30T09:34:00.000-08:00

Hello all!
I will have limited internet access and plan to be posting to my blog during treatment.
Also, I hope to get lots of encouraging mail/care packages! ;) Here is the address:
Michele Rauch
C/O Pacific Shores Hospital2130 N. Ventura RoadOxnard, California 93036
It will be best to call me on my cell: 425 766 9005
If you urgently need me, and I'm not available by cell here is the hospital's number:
(800) 841-1515
I won't get to spend too much time outside of the treatment center, but I will get to see the ocean.
I share a toilet with one other person, and showers with the whole floor (kinda like a dorm)
I will attend all family day education, even if my family can't be there. My therapists will help me decide if it is benificial to have anyone besides John visit.
I will know far enough in advance of my leaving to by a plane ticket because I will be planning my leaving along with the treatment team as I progress.
Laundry is on site (not coin operated and they provide detergent)
So, those are the answers to most of my recent questions.
Woo...Hoo...I'm leaving sooooo soon!!!! Holy crap...excited/nervous/excited/nervous/excited/nervous......my mind keeps jumpin around!!!!

Posted by True_Colors at 02:50 in Link Comments (8)

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I‘ll be wishing the best for you on this exciting experience. I‘ll be crossing my fingers for sunny days and good progress. But I promise to uncross them long enough to send you some letters while you‘re down there. ;) Enjoy the California sunshine and just let yourself relax and resolve whatever needs to be addressed. We‘ll all be rooting for you and ready to welcome you home whenever you book that flight. :) You can call anytime, I hope you know that. I‘m here for you if you need me.
Written by: Heather at 2005/03/30 - 07:17

My Michele! I will miss you so much. Not that I would be at home and have been able to see you, but I will be thinking of you everyday (well, I already do, but even more everyday, and can‘t wait to see you again. You can definitely expect things from me whilst you are there.Just remember- no dropping soap in the shower. Soap on a rope = your best friend.;-)
Written by: Jessica at 2005/03/30 - 07:36

Keep the humor coming Jess...I can use all the laughter I can get!
Written by: Michele at 2005/03/30 - 16:11

Michele,You will be missed greatly. I love you and there are so many things I admire in you--your willingness to bare your soul and the nudge you give our family to open up and do the same. You have much innner strength, mostly it has pulled you towards good and positive things like love and friendship and education and service to others, but somtimes it pulls you away. You are on my mind most of the time and will continue to be. I will be sending positive thoughts and lots of prayer that you will see God‘s hand extended to you in help. I‘m also praying for a great friend for you there who can share your emotions and reach for health along side you. Focus on the bright future!
Written by: Jacquie at 2005/03/30 - 16:27
Buck, I hope you have an incredibly awesome time of learning and growing while you are there. You‘ve got my support all the way. I love you and you know for dang sure you‘ll be gettin‘ some love care package style.
Written by: Munk at 2005/03/30 - 17:10

Such a big step - congratulations already, for making this committment. Don‘t worry about things at work - I‘ll take care of your ‘family‘ here! We will miss you around here, but know that you will be doing good things where you are -focus on doing what you need and want to do - looking forward to hearing all about it.
Written by: Anji at 2005/03/30 - 20:16

Michele: You are awesome! You did it. You have taken the kind of huge and major step that MANY people never take. It is good that you have this BLOG to remind yourself of the thought process that went in to making your decision, but we often go through big thought processes and never make a decision. Not this time. This will be a pivotal memory for you. I hope you always live with the sense of excitement, courage, daring and wonder about HOW GOOD LIFE CAN BE as you have shown in this moment. I have thought of you often today - and will continue to do so. All our love, Dad.
Written by: Ronald at 2005/04/01 - 02:09

Yeah Dawg.....Buck hits California :) Lynn Sue I hope this is the start of a new path in life that leads to much happiness and love of self. I love you so much and though I cannot imagine walking in your shoes, I will never be more than one step away because you are a part of my very being. Here‘s to new beginnings and rediscovering the great person you are!
Written by: Heids at 2005/04/01 - 03:48

I'm really going for sure....last minute questions

2005-03-28T09:33:00.000-08:00

So, I called group health and confirmed my benifits this morning. John and I were concerned about the possiblity of me going to the treatment center and then getting stuck with a 40,000 dollar bill becaues of some glich/misunderstanding with my coverage. But, I checked...found out that it is my out of network benifits, with all the terms that the treatment center said I had...asked about potential "preexisting condition" and they said I was past that time period for new coverage...finally, I asked if her if there was any other foreseeable reason that I would get stuck with a bill for more that $2200 dollars, and she said no. So the last potential hurdle has fallen, and I can be assured I will be entering treatment on thursday (pending any unexpected happenings).
So, now I've been starting to feel anxious. The reality is setting in.... I'm going to brainstorm some more questions so I can go into the situation knowing as much as possible ahead of time....
1. Internet access there?
2. Would it be benificial for other parts of my support system to come for family day?
3. What will I do during family visit/education times if no one from my family comes?
4. Will I get to spend time outside of the center....ocean/outside activities?
5. How many people share a bathroom?
6. How should peeps address mail to me?
7. How does laundry work?Coins...detergent?
8. Do I need to pay the towncar driver?
9. How far in advance will I know before I leave treatment?
I've been working on these questions for a few days. Throughout that time I've cycled between being really excited and anxious/nervous. Right now I am feeling really excited, and ready to get going. There are still a lot of small details to attend to before I go mostly related to packing for 2-6wk stay.

Posted by True_Colors at 18:23 in Link Comments (2)

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Shell~ Those are great questions to find out. I am glad you are becoming more excited about it. I am sure you will find this time beneficial. I hope you get everything you need there and remember you have a lot of people that care for you here when you get back! We will defintely have to plan a get together once you\‘re home. Let me know the address there and I will send you a letter! ~Your nanner
Written by: Lisa at 2005/03/29 - 23:08

Gosh! Gimme some tots!
Written by: Jessica at 2005/03/30 - 02:44

2005-03-25T09:31:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a little sad right now. Sad and freaked about leaving for CA next week. 7 days from now I will be at a treatment center hundreds of miles from any of "my people"...and from my animals. :(
I will really miss Shadow because she is such a happy, positive influence all of the time. She comes with me to work, in the car, the dog park, and home...she's basically with me all the time, or near by. She doesn't care if I'm fat, having a crappy hair day, crabby, or happy...she loves me and is ready to lick my face or nudge me with her nose anytime. She is my number one emotional support/comfort, and she won't be with me...and the program has no animals. She won't be around to laugh at when she does something silly, or to take pride in as she sprints around the dog park and wrestles with the other dogs. Just watching her be happy has helped me to be happier....she is such a good girl. I wish I could sneak her in my luggage! Maybe I could pretend to be blind and say she is my guide dog? ;) She isn't anywhere near well behaved enough for that....:) Maybe I should have made more of an effort to find a treatment center with animals....but this place seems really great aside from that...
I've been really trying to focus on the positives so I don't get sad/anxious/freaked and run away from a potentially great/life changing experience because I'm scared. However, I don't want to deny these feelings and get smacked with them on the day I arrive....
I've debated trying to fade off my time with Shadow as I get closer to leaving thinking that might help....or just trying to fill up my shadow meter as much as possible before I leave...not sure what the best approach is.
Either way, I'm going to make a video of her, Vern, and anyone else that is willing, so I can burn it to DVD and watch it on my laptop when I am feeling lonely/homesick/anxious.
Blah...scary, scary, scary!!!!!
Posted by True_Colors at 22:41 in Link Comments (2)

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Making a movie will be a great idea to curb some of the lonely feelings you may have down there. Hope you have a happy Easter :)
Written by: Lisa at 2005/03/26 - 21:24

Michele, John and Shadow. All a great family I think I can understand whyMichele would want to take Shadow with her anyone would I think all of us inthe Rauch household know what Michele has to do. Michele I will pray for youevery night before I go to bed. I love you. Bye for now!
Written by: Jacquie at 2005/03/30 - 17:11

Control

2005-03-25T09:30:00.000-08:00

Feeling really fat today. I've been eating really poorly the last week or so. Kind of the mentality that I'll figure it out when I get there (treatment). I have noticed I felt better about myself when tracking my food with weight watchers...even if I didn't stay strictly within my points. I was still making better choices throughout most of the day. On the other hand there is something about controlling my eating that I have a real problem with. It is like I am rebelling...like if I feel at all controlled/restricted in that area I go absolutely nuts. Like that is my one and only area where I am in complete and total control....
Interesting realization.

Closing up...

2005-03-23T09:29:00.000-08:00

Jess posted a comment to my last blog entry that she's notice me closing up more and more lately. I couldn't have said it better. I have been closing up. It is as if the lower and lower I have been feeling, the more inward I've been turning. I have had this almost constant churning and focus on negative emotions and thoughts. Also, I've been feeling worse and worse about me, so it has made it more difficult to have confidence in any setting...even those in which I am normally quite comfortable.
Any positive energy, words, thoughts, stories, etc. that you have available to you are, and will continue to be, incredably valuable to me. I need an infusion of positivity. Positivity in general, and about myself. I need to start focusing on/building from my positive attributes...
I had a lot of positivity this past weekend while staying with Steve and Lisa. They are both very laid back accepting people, and I've had a lot of fun spending time with them in the last few months. I know I will always have a lot of good laughs when John and I spend time with them. Laughing is so good for the soul/body/mind. I think laughter truely is some of the best medicine. Here's to you my little 'nanner and your crazy beans! :)

Posted by True_Colors at 22:22 in Link Comments (1)
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Awwwww Shell..... I am glad you have fun when we all spend time together. I suppose we do laugh an awful lot together ^-^ Laughter is the best medicine for anything. Know that a lot of people support you in whatever you do. Heck, if you decided you wanted to go be a bum and live under a bridge, go for it ;) Have fun down there and we must make plans when you get back! :)
Written by: Lisa at 2005/03/24 - 22:10

"I've been worried about you"...

2005-03-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

People with eating disorders suffer from distorted thoughts. I've come across a great example of this lately. As I've been opening up to family/friends about my eating disorder, I've heard a lot of people tell me they've been worrying about me. Here's what I hear when someone says that: you are nasty fat, I've been seeing you gain more and more weight, I'm concerned about your health...why can't you just get a grip and loose weight? Mostly I just hear the you are nast fat part. And then I connect that thought with the fact that I am a bad person. That the very fact that I"m nasty fat=I am a loser, disgusting, unpleasent to be around, and my very being is worth less than my skinny, pretty, "together" counterparts.
What I don't hear when someone says, "I've been worried about you" is concern about my emotional/psychological state. I don't hear people saying they've noticed I"ve been really sad/unhappy/depressed. Even if I leave room to consider that is part of their worry, I always automatically assume the nasty fat is more of it. That if I was just a normal weight all of my emotional/psycholigical problems wouldn't matter...wouldn't be enough for someone to worry. Perhaps this is because people don't see the emotional/psycholigical...I don't show them that...they only see me getting fatter, and don't have the understanding to know there is something behind that? Or maybe I'm totally inaccurate, and people are worried more or at least equally about the emotional piece vs the "nasty fat" piece.
I discussed this with my therapist, Dr. Clark, the other day. She said I should just ask people so I can clear up potential distorted thinking. But, I said I didn't want to because my fear/belief is that my thinking is right...and confirming that would hurt more than assuming it to be true with the hope that maybe I could be distorting things....
When people look at me/consider my worth I feel that my obesity plays a HUGE part in their decision...accordingly, I have done the same thing in deciding my worth. Needless to say I have very low self esteem, little sense of self worth (I have expressed feeling like a big piece of trash), and very low confidence in social settings.
Posted by True_Colors at 16:15 in Link Comments (4)

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I think it is hard. On the one hand, people want to help and be nice and listen if you need to talk, and that‘s an obvious way to start a conversation on such a topic.On the other hand, saying "I‘m worried about you" implies immediately "I think there‘s something wrong with you". How do you say the first without saying the second? I don‘t know.- Steve
Written by: Steve at 2005/03/23 - 20:57

I can definitely see how you arrived at that conclusion (I know I always think the worst possible) but in truth people have noticed how sad and withdrawn you‘ve been (I know I have). Where you used to be more vivacious, spontaneous and ready to have fun, you seem to be closing up. You have also said some things (my mom always refers to the game we played when you had to say out of 50 people how many were happier than you, and yours was a low number) that are a cause for worry- about your happiness.
Written by: Jessica at 2005/03/23 - 21:03

It is funny how our brains do that to us. I know that I have done that many times myself--interpreting others through my negative filter. But really and truly, when I have told you I was worried it was because I see your sadness, the way you have disconnected. What is the best way to say I notice and I care about you?
Written by: Jacquie at 2005/03/30 - 16:38

Jacquie, Hopefully I will get to a place where I‘m not having that distorted thinking...but as I get there a good way to say "I notice and I care about you" is just that...and probably throw in why...so I don‘t fill in the blank and assume it is entirely because of my weight. Thanks for asking.
Written by: Michele at 2005/03/30 - 17:27

Flight Info

2005-03-22T09:27:00.000-08:00

I fly out on 3/31 at 6:45am on Alaka Airlines Flight 502. I arrive at LAX at 9:24am. A towncar will pick me up from the airport and take me to the treatment program. Wow! It's really real now...

Posted by True_Colors at 06:38 in Link Comments (3)

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Oh my sweet little pear.... I am sure everyone will miss you tons (esp John, Jules and Shadow) but I wish you all the luck in the world with this. I hope it‘s everything you want it to be! Will you have internet access there?-Nectarine
Written by: Lisa at 2005/03/22 - 08:02

Nectarine-Thanks for the encouraging words. I don‘t know if I will have internet access there. I will be keeping a journal on my laptop however, so I can share my progress/process in my blog. It may be, though, that I have to upload all of my entries when I get back...we‘ll see
Written by: Your Sweet Little Pear at 2005/03/23 - 15:58

Nectarine-Thanks for the encouraging words. I don‘t know if I will have internet access there. I will be keeping a journal on my laptop however, so I can share my progress/process in my blog. It may be, though, that I have to upload all of my entries when I get back...we‘ll see
Written by: Your Sweet Little Pear at 2005/03/23 - 15:58

10 Days and counting...

2005-03-21T09:26:00.000-08:00

Thursday March 31st I will be jumpin' on a plane headed for LA and Rader Program's treatment center. Woo Hoo! :) Scary, exciting, so many things all at once....crazy man.

The biggest decision of my life.

2005-03-18T09:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends and Family,
I want to thank all of you who have provided words of insight, support, love, and encouragement in the last couple of days. I really means a lot to me to know that I have people who care about me, who have been worrying about me, and are commited to my health and success as a human being.
I have felt so very alone for so very long. I know I've isolated you from my pain...I haven't reached out for help...I haven't let anyone but possibly John know just how bad things have gotten for me....I don't even think I've told myself most of the time. Dying has seemed easier than living for some time now, or at least being a "living dead" just surviving through the days, weeks, months, years...and fighting for a thriving joyfilled life seems like a task that is larger than life...it seems like a foriegn concept meant for someone else...
It's hard to see a way out. It is really hard to let go of my familar but destructive patterns. It is scary to think about going somewhere and facing myself...all my pain, anger, fear, frustrations, disappointments. It is scary to think about going somewhere alone and believing that I, and I alone, can stand for me.
The good thing is I'm a fighter, I'm stubborn as all hell, and I'm not done yet. I can see a scrap, a glimmer of possiblity, and I'm willing to let others belief carry me through until I can know for myself.
I am going to treatment.
I am standing for myself.
I am fighting for my life.
God..if you're out there...help me...I'm going to need it.

Q&A with Rader Program

2005-03-17T09:24:00.000-08:00

How long has your treatment center been treating people specifically with compulsive overeating? 30 Years...we first opened specifically treating the disorder and then expanded to treating other eating disorders such as bulimia.
How many compulsive overeaters have compleated program? About 150 a year for 30 years.
Success rate (behavior not reoccuring)? 75% effective after 4 yr follow up.
How will length of stay be detrmined? By whatever is neccesary clinically. Average=4 wks...Many in as little as 2wks some as long as 2 months. The whole staff talks about patient progress weekly and updates treatment plan.
How many other clients would be in the program at the same time as me...how much one on one counseling would I recieve? Up to 30 people at once split up into 3 primary support groups
What therapy methods do you use? Family systems focus also insight focused.This program takes a clinical approach looking at emotional/internal problems...the goal isn't to gain or loose weight, but deal with the underlying issues that manifest themselves in this symptom.
What ongoing support would I recieve after treatment? It is critical to have a psychologist working with the patient after they leave inpatient for continued support...my current psychologist would be included by confrence call once a week as the team discussed my progress and be given copies of all treatment plans/info.
Can you provide refrences? It is possible but difficult for confidentiality reasons. They provide testimonies from past clients on their website.
Are rooms shared, how is it determined? I would share with one other person usually around the same demographic and usually with the same disorder.
Is outside contact limited? No. I can use my cell phone anytime as long as it isn't in the middle of the session (which is most of the day, however)
What are food options...how do meals work? Individualized. Each person eats according to what they've discussed with their nutritionist/treatment team.
What percentage of the patients are compulsive overeaters? On average about 50%.
Are primary support groups made up with mixed diagnosis? Yes. They've found it benificial and say that there is a lot everyone can learn from eachother regaurdless of specfic diagnosis because they all share common threads.
What type of excersize options are there? Walking (2.5 mile course) and yoga.
Any animals at the treatment center? No :(
What if I can't fall asleep at the designated sleep time? I'm welcome to stay up, but I will probably be so exhausted emotionally/mentally I'll want to sleep when it comes time.
Are meds prescribed/adjusted? Yes as needed...but not forced on patient.
Is treatment center rural/urban/suburban? Residental
Once I enter the program can I voluntarily leave before its completion? Yes program is completely voluntary...I can leave any time.
Do my husband/other family members need to visit the treatment center? Ideally because the facility has family trainings on Sundays to educate support people in my life. John in particular would need to go once/twice if at all possible.

Questions about inpatient...

2005-03-16T09:22:00.000-08:00

Hello! So here are some questions other people have thought of about the program...and my thoughts/questions....

Questions:

John:
1) How long has the organization been in business?2) How long have they been providing this specific program?3) How many people have comepleted the program?4) What is their success rate, with success being defined as the patients initial entry behavior not recurring?5) How will the length of stay be determined?6) How many other \\"patients\\" would be in the program at the same time as you, and how much personal attention would you receive?7) What therapy methods do they use?8) Why is their program successful?9) Is the food good? :)10) How do you know the program is appropriate for you, as opposed to other options?11) What ongoing support do they provide after the inpatient period ends?12) Do they provide any guarantees?13) Can they provide references?

Anji
Are rooms shared, and if so are you sharing with another compulsive eater, or someone who has another diagnosis like anorexia?
Is outside contact (phone calls) limited?
Do different people get different food options based on diagnosis...what are food options?

Shelly:
What kind of support will I have after inpatient...what will motivate me/support me to stick with it once I'm out

Me:
What percentage of the patients are compulsive eaters vs. other diagnosis?
What type of excersize options will I have when I'm there...swimming, cardio...or just taking walks?
Are there any animals at the treatment center...I will really miss the theraputic benifit of having Shadow/Vern around.
What if I can't fall asleep at designated sleep time?
Is there tv there?
Are primary support groups made up of mixed diagnosis?
Are meds prescribed/adjusted?
Is treatment center setting rural/urban/suburban?
Once I enter the program can I voluntarily leave before its completion?
Do my husband/other family members need to come to the treatment center?
What is the health check? Why would someone like me need it twice a day?

The thought of going through with this treatment program is really scary. Scary to leave my home, family, friends, pets...my safety zone. Scary to actually be in a setting in which I have to face myself and my pain. Face it...deal with it...and move on. Those things are progressively scary. My anxiety is really bad when I feel like I don't have any of my support system around...I will go to a place and have a whole new support system I have never even met for like a month....yikes. Scary, but a chance at a major life changing experience. And the chance (not the gauarantee) of coming out better...having tackled the biggest issue in my life. Or, at least leaving with more tools/knowledge with which to deal with my problem.
At this point I'm thinking I should do this...but my fears are really pushing me to do the "safe" thing and stay home stuck in my same patterns...
This moves out of the comfort zone, through the uncomfurtable zone, through the strectch zone, and right into the "die zone" when it comes to my anxiety about going somewhere on my own and taking on my problems. But I deserve this...I need this...I want to live. Right now, and for a while I haven't been living...I've been committing a slow form of suicide and I am suffering...

Posted by True_Colors at 22:18 in Link Comments (1)

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Michele, I‘ve finally had a chance to read your blog - just want you to know that I think you are incredibly courageous to consider taking this step toward ‘inpatient treatment‘ (sounds quite horrible, put that way) - like we‘ve talked about briefly, I think a more appropriate label is ‘life-altering journey‘, but whatever you call it doesn‘t matter so much - just know that I admire your willingness to look in this direction. I know you are having a difficult time coming to a decision about whether to do this or not - my two cents - ultimately I think that all momentous happenings in our lives occur out of chaos, stress, anxiety, crisis, etc., and that if this were an easy decision for you it would lose its importance. Take the time you need to make an educated decision, but don‘t let your emotions OR your rationalizing get in the way of making the decision that feels right in your heart. Do what your gut tells you to do - that is the part of you that instinctively leads you in the right direction for you. If you can‘t find this part of you, this core, this all-knowing, all-seeing eye in your center, do what you need to do to find it, to get away from the emotions and rationalizing . . . go to the dog park, go get a massage, go to the pool and sit underwater for awhile (but not too long ;) Trust that you have the ability to hear this voice and make the best possible decision for you.Thanks for inviting me into your life this way - I look forward to doing what I can to support you.Anji
Written by: Anji at 2005/03/17 - 21:45

Compulsive Overeating

2005-03-16T09:20:00.000-08:00

The good news: I've been working out and enjoying it! :) I've gone swimming with John 3 times for 40 min and one day on the treadmill. I really enjoy being in the pool. I've always loved the water/swimming....its always been a special treat for me to be in a pool, so now that I can do it anytime I want it is really cool! :)
The bad news: I've gained a pound. I weigh in every tuesday morning. Week one: 3 pounds lost. Week two: maintain. Week three: one pound gain. Not going in the best direction...
So, I'm considering going to an inpatient treatment program for eating disorders. Specifically for compulsive overeating. It is the Rader program just outside of the LA area. It would be for at least 20 days...probably closer to a month. The following is information from their website (raderprograms.com) about compulsive eating:
Compulsive Overeaters are often caught in the vicious cycle of binge eating and depression. With Compulsive Overeating food is used as a coping mechanism to deal with uncomfortable feelings. Many Compulsive Overeaters speak of using the Compulsive Overeating episodes as a way to numb all that is going on around them. The amount of food eaten and duration can vary greatly for a Compulsive Overeater.
For many individuals suffering from Compulsive Overeating, binges may not be able to be broken into specific episodes but rather days where the individual eats more than normal throughout the day. Triggers for Compulsive Overeating include depression, anxiety, interpersonal stressors, boredom, prolonged dieting, and body image dissatisfaction.
Compulsive Overeating may temporarily relieve the stress of these unwanted feelings, but for the Compulsive Overeater the overeating episodes are unfortunately followed by feelings of guilt, shame, disgust, and further depression. For the Compulsive Overeater, episodes of Compulsive Overeating usually occur in secret and any evidence is often hidden from others.
It is not uncommon for Compulsive Overeaters to eat normally or even restrictively in front of others and then make up for eating less by Compulsively Overeating in private at a later time. Compulsive Overeating late at night, when others are asleep or frequenting fast food restaurants and convenience stores alone, can also be common. Many Compulsive Overeaters even have a secret stash of junk food hidden for their personal use.
Similar to Anorexics and Bulimics, Compulsive Overeaters are constantly struggling and unhappy with their weight. With Compulsive Overeating, the number read on the scale often determines how the Compulsive Overeater feels about themself. Constant dieting and restricting food becomes a way of life for the Compulsive Overeater.
Each new diet is tried in hope that it will be the one that works to combat the Compulsive Overeating. At first, there may even be some weight loss success for the Compulsive Overeater with the diet, but unfortunately in most cases each diet ends in failure and all the lost weight is regained. Thus continues the devastating cycle for the Compulsive Overeater.
Medical complications from the Compulsive Overeating behavior can be severe and even life threatening for Compulsive Overeaters. Diabetes, hypertension and cardiac problems are just a few of the dangerous complications of Compulsive Overeating.
Like Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa, Compulsive Overeating is a disease and cannot be cured with willpower alone.
So there you have it...I see myself in this discription...another intresting thing on their site is a list of symptoms...they say if you experience three or more you could have an eating disorder...the following are the symptoms I connect with:

Thoughts about “feeling fat”Fear of gaining weightFeelings of loss of control when eatingWeight determines self-esteemBody image obsessionGuilt or shame after eatingRepeated attempts at dietingEating large amounts of food in a short period of timeSelf-consciousness or embarrassment about eatingSneaking foodLying about eating habitsEating to relieve stress or depressionPerfectionismEating when not hungryEating sensibly in front of others and then making up for it when aloneDepressionEmbarrassment about body weightLow self-esteemDifficulty identifying or expressing feelings
So, now that I've identified this issue...I feel like I need to seriously consider entering this program. I actually looked into entering the program last June, but my medical insurance would only cover half of the cost, leaving me to pay somewhere around 13,000 dollars. Now my medical insurance is such that they pay 100% of the cost after I pay a $2000 deductable. Also, I've found out that this qualifies under the family and medical leave act...so I wouldn't be in danger of losing my job by leaving for a month.
So, now it is up to me to come up with a list of questions I have about the treatment program, and for John/my counselor to do the same. Then I need to make a decision. I can enter the program as early as next week.
If any of you can think of questions that would be good to ask it would be helpful. I need to go into this making a fully informed decision. The next post will be me listing questions I have and processing the choice of whether or not to enter treatment.
Posted by True_Colors at 17:02 in Link Comments (5)

Comments
Questions:1) How long has the organization been in business?2) How long have they been providing this specific program?3) How many people have comepleted the program?4) What is their success rate, with success being defined as the patients initial entry behavior not recurring? 5) How will the length of stay be determined?6) How many other \"patients\" would be in the program at the same time as you, and how much personal attention would you receive?7) What therapy methods do they use?8) Why is their program successful?9) Is the food good? :) 10) How do you know the program is appropriate for you, as opposed to other options?11) What ongoing support do they provide after the inpatient period ends?12) Do they provide any guarantees?13) Can they provide references?
Written by: John at 2005/03/16 - 20:12

Hang in there. One pound? What‘s that... half a quart of water?
Written by: John at 2005/03/16 - 20:54

Hey Buck,First off I think it\‘s great that you have been going to the gym andhave found something that you really find enjoyment in as far asexercise goes. In my opinion, that makes doing it regularly moreappealing and less dreadful. As far as the inpatient thing goes - what exactly will they be doing?What sort of support group will there be once you are done? Will 20 or30 days be long enough? I don\‘t really know anything about thisstuff...I\‘m just getting images of the movie 28 Days...haha. I thinkit\‘s great that you are trying to tackle this horrible and oftenfrustrating thing of weight. I\‘ve also learned a lot more about yourissues regarding weight/diets/food from your blog...Anyway, not surewhere I was going with that. I would definitely encourage you to do whatyou need to do in order to get past this battle with food you now have.It\‘s especially great that you have this opportunity with your healthinsurance and all. I guess I\‘m just wondering what will be a motivatingfactor for you once you get out without slipping back into the wholeroutine again. I support you 100% with what you decide to do Buck. I love you and wantYOU to be healthy and happy.Love,Shells
Written by: Shelly at 2005/03/16 - 21:22

Wow, I‘d be nervous about something like this. Definetly check out their references, and a note forward from your next post -- no matter what anyone says, you‘re always permitted to leave at any time -- that‘s not a right you can sign away. As far as I know, only a judge can order someone held in treatment.It would be best if you could contact people who have completed the program to see how they are doing. Even with 100% coverage, $2K is non-trivial, plus the month away. You wouldn‘t want to do that if it turned out to be ineffective.Good luck either way! Keep us posted.
Written by: Steve at 2005/03/17 - 05:46

wow. What an amazing thing to do- admit that you need help, and actively pursue it. I say go for it- of course make sure the program is good- but I don‘t think you could ever regret it. I think sometimes we need that giant "kick in the pants" to go from falling to climbing, or even from stagnant to moving. I don‘t think anyone really ‘wants‘ to go to something like this, I think you know that you need to, and so you‘re driven towards it. I back you 100% Michele, don‘t let this chance pass you by.
Written by: Jessica at 2005/03/17 - 08:30

My Dear Friend...My Comfort

2005-03-10T09:19:00.000-08:00

Last night John and I had quite an emotional discussion...I cried quite a bit and connected to feelings of pain/hurt/anger/frustration. After we finished this discussion, John asked if I wanted to take a drive. He hadn't eaten dinner yet, so he went to McDonalds. I had eaten dinner, and I was already a little higher on points then I wanted to be because I had chinese for lunch. I went ahead and ordered a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a small chocolate shake anyway. I had a distinct moment of conciousness in the drive thru while waiting for our food...I knew I wasn't that hungry physically, that this wasn't a good choice for my health, but I felt emotionally hungry. Like I was hurting and sad and I had no idea how to comfort myself without this food. I needed my dear old friend...the one that is always there when I need it, the one that never disappoints me, that will never leaves me, the one that requires nothing of me... as I'm eating the food I'm able to disconnect from the pain as I'm focused on my "high". I know no other comfort that can compare to what I have found/created in food...

On again Off again

2005-03-09T09:17:00.000-08:00

I joined the YWCA today!!!! :) I'm quite excited about getting back into the excersize thing. I'm planning on doing the usual...weights/cardio, but I'm also going to try swimming for cardio and probably some classes once I get in a little better shape. This is the third gym I've joined in about 5 years or so. I seem to do great for periods, and then not go for awhile...the on again off again thing. I'm just really excited to be on again! I love getting in shape and I love games...the y has raquetball which I've never played, and since I love raquet sports, I'm excited to try it out. This is a happy day! :)
Also, I weighed in yesterday a.m. and discovered that despite having a not so good eating weekend, I maintained my weight loss of last week.

Posted by True_Colors at 16:40 in Link Comments (3)

Comments

Good job on maintaining your weight. One of the keys to learning your body is determining what it looks like when you‘re loosing, maintaining, or gaining so that you can observe small changes and head them off if necessary. We‘re gonna have a great time working out together!
Written by: John at 2005/03/09 - 17:49

Way to go! That‘s an excellent step. Each little thing you do is one more inch towards achieving your goal- even if you bounce back, you‘re always that much further.
Written by: Jessica at 2005/03/09 - 18:15

Woo hoo Michele, Congrats! Now I really wish I lived closer to you guys because I LOVE to play raquetball. I played a lot at OSU‘s gym. If you and John come to visit, bring your tennis raquet! ;)
Written by: Lisa at 2005/03/11 - 17:55

Catching up on my 2004 Journal Entries

2005-03-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

The downard spiral...
July 22, 2004

I have defiantly had trouble with my eating patterns in the recent weeks…ice cream is the choice of the times, and I have little difficulty finishing off a full pint and then some in one day. I feel the fat layering on, as I become bigger and bigger and in worse and worse shape physically and mentally. I haven’t been working out either…and the worse my eating habits get, the less I want to work out because I feel fat and nasty, and I don’t have comfortable work out clothes, much less work out clothes I would feel decent about myself in.

So, instead of focusing on what I’m eating and my problem from that perspective, let’s examine what I’ve been feeling emotionally….

Obviously the two are connected some… I’m feeling less confident and attractive. So that leads to shame, guilt, and defensiveness. Also during this time I’ve been feeling really lonely and insecure. Motivation is a mountain that I just can’t seem to climb…it is a struggle to get myself to continue on my job search and be efficient and hard working at it…but that is nothing new. It seems whenever I have a break from school I have difficulty with this and getting depressed and motionless. It seems being alone is a big part of it…it seems like if only another person was over and knew what I had to be doing, it would be helpful…very externally motivated.

I tell myself I am a flat blob, and I can’t do anything…but then I eat cause I’m depressed and needing of comfort…thus feeding the nasty downward spiral.

Numbing and Hiding...
5/11/04

Just ate two big bowls of ice cream and almost a whole can of ruffles while watching TV. The ultimate in numbing attempts using my two favorite agents/addictions. I was sitting thinking using those things, spending days like that is not living. Living is being outside, playing tennis, having parties, hosting friends in my home, loving John and receiving love. Doing those things were easier when I was losing weight. Because I wasn’t using food as a numbing agent as much, and I was feeling better about myself because I was losing weight. Sitting back in that dark back room as isolated as can be with no natural light, a huge bowl of ice cream with banana and tons of hot fudge while watching “starting over” (a show of 6 women living together making changes in their lives while attaining a life changing goal) is like the ultimate in “safe” space for me—the irony is beautiful, isn’t it?

It is like when I am doing those things I am hiding. I’m not exposed. No one can see me for what I really am: a fat, ugly, defeated person. So, doing things in public becomes harder and harder because I don’t want people to see that I am seeping into this life, gaining weight and feeling bad about myself. I can’t play tennis as well anymore because I’ve been gaining weight and not working out, so I get winded easily.

I feel so sad. I can defiantly see that depression is setting in. All I want is for someone to make everything okay. For some one to come to the rescue, to love me and hold me and surround me right now. I need support. Not just somebody, but lots of some bodies. But I don’t know how they can help me…ultimately all they can be is support for me to be around while I help myself. And I need to be support for me too.

Grand plans...
I think weight problems and food addiction is a very misunderstood and under treated issue in today's society. It is all about diets and stuff, but it goes way beyond that for a lot of people like me. It isn't about will power and exercise, it is about emotion and family issues, pain and numbness. There needs to be treatment centers for this issue using group therapy and program elements of other addictions. This would be an exciting/fulfilling area for me to get involved with, but in order for me to set up a treatment center that is successful, I need to fix my problem…deal with my addiction before I can help others to do the same. Hmm…a mission. Change my suffering into success for thousands…millions, and not for a profit, but for those people who desperately need it. Not to sell overpriced low carb foods or vitamins with picture of a famous TV personality on it. Research and action…...

I might as well have cancer...
5/10/04 (Monday)

Just ate a bunch of crap Safeway Chinese, Twinkies, zingers, and some brownies. Feel like ralfing. Made me feel a little better while I was eating because I could focus on the food going in…the good yummy tasting food to cover up the depression.
I’M SO ASHAMED of myself for gaining the weight I lost on Atkins almost entirely back (Give me a couple of weeks or less and it will be all of it.) I’m ashamed and I feel shame. I dread telling my parents, or them seeing me for graduation. My mom saying, “oh shell….” As if I’ve been diagnosed with cancer even though she’s still just as heavy. She’s giving me like $300 dollars for new clothes for Hawaii, and she keeps saying she doesn’t want to send it too soon so I can buy the right size clothes, the assumption being that I’m losing weight, in reality it is the other way around. I’m so sad and angry about this.
I suck. That isn’t very nice, but it is what I’m yelling at myself. I’m a big f---- loser and I can’t get anything right for very long. My success is fleeting. I just want to disappear. I don’t want to try to be happy and successful, because it takes to much energy and I’m afraid I will fail. I just want to crawl under a blanket and hide for the rest of eternity.

A Heavy body suit of hell...
April 28, 2004

One binge after another lately…many times I wouldn’t call what I’m doing binging necessarily, but I’m defiantly not depriving myself either. I’m eating .5-.75 pans of brownies, ice cream by the pint, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, with thick tablespoons of peanut butter, as if they are a light snack, the list goes on….

It is a comforting feeling not to deprive myself, but it goes past just simple lack of deprivation. It is also an excess used to try and find comfort. To fill my emotional apatite with physical sustenance.

I don’t like how my body is feeling and looking. I feel heavy, I feel very out of shape. I’m not fitting into clothes that were beginning to fall off of me at my lowest weight of my Atkins phase. I feel bad about myself. Not only that but I feel physically unhealthy. My ring is starting to get tighter again…it used to be falling off. I was close to needing to resize it. My success is slipping out of my finger tips. The compliments are stopped. No longer do my in-laws make comments about me being “skinny”, or that I’m looking great, or that they are proud of me…no more of that from John, Heidi, or Shelly. And I dread my parents coming back for my graduation and seeing that I have gained back 25 or even 35 pounds (of my total 40 lost) by then.

I want to take back control of my weight again and start losing, but not if that means that I will just end up failing again. Not if I loose about the same or more (or less) that I lost only to fail again. But I don’t want fear of failure to stop me from trying to succeed again. The problem is when I’m trying to loose the weight for the praise, or the clothes. Because then I feel that pressure very strong. As if those things only come for me at a certain weight.

Doing it for that healthy feeling (and actuality) is more motivating. Perhaps then it is because I’m doing it for me…and only for me. Not for society, or for compliments that will quickly fade. I’m doing it so I can perform better at the things I love like tennis. So I can do a flight of stairs with out feeling like I’m about to have a heart attack or an asthma attack. I guess I also want to do it to feel good about myself….to feel like I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. The thing about that is it doesn’t come with weight necessarily…it comes with health. Even if I’ve been feeding my body well and exercising for a week, and there are virtually no obvious changes, I start to feel better about me and have a better body image.

I feel this struggle between believing it isn’t healthy to want to loose weight for some reasons, and knowing that they do in fact have an influence on me. Reasons like wanting to look damn hot in a dress, to walk into a room with confidence knowing that I am beautiful, and everyone in the room would agree. Reasons like wanting to hear praise from my parents, the in-laws, and John. Reasons like wanting to not just assume in all likelihood I’ll be the fattest person in class, at a party, or in an interview situation. I want people to be proud of me, and for me to be proud of me. I feel like that won’t happen, that can’t truly happen until I am skinny…until I can fit into “normal” sizes.

Then I wonder, what will be enough? What size is small enough? I’m smart enough, and trained in psychology enough to know that my confidence won’t come entirely from the way my body looks. But I can’t buy into the idea that body image and self confidence are completely divorced from one another either.

I feel like I am in a heavy body suit of hell. The hell comes from the heaviness both literally and figuratively. That if I could strip away these extra pounds of fat I would be a better person. I would be happy, confident, fulfilled, loved more, respected more, sought out more. I would be more successful, I would love myself more. I would feel leaner, lighter…I would be able to move faster, better, more gracefully…I would be free of the shackles that have held my back. I thought to myself how would mom feel if she was skinny…the first thing I came up with is she would feel like I finally have permission to
Live.

Food

Food: What a powerful substance over my life. I have an addiction to it…I need it , but not the way everyone needs it. Not because it sustains me and keeps me alive. I need it because it is my happiness, and my comfort. When everything else is going horribly wrong I can make it through as long as I can go to dairy queen or McDonalds and buy comfort for $4.99. Often, the quality of days are largely defined by the food I take in.

I wonder how I managed on Atkins for four months because I denied myself many foods and certainly my sugar binges. I found my happiness differently them. I felt so proud of myself for accomplishing weight loss, so I felt better in general. Plus I had more energy.

When I think of a whole day by myself I look forward with comfort, relief, anticipation for a day when I can indulge myself on whatever foods whenever I want to. When I eat around other people I feel like I have to hide how I would normally want to eat. I don’t feel comfortable devouring a massive amount of pizza and following it with a whole pint of ben and jerry’s. I feel guilt and shame…I feel like I need to keep this horrible secret that I have a sick relationship with food.

I hate the days when mentally I still feel like I need the food to numb and to comfort but I’m way to full, and wait until I can eat again, and soon as the fullness goes away I cram in more.

I’m tired of secrecy and not being able to truly be Michele living in the moment. My heart is heavy and my body is heavy, imprisoned and weighed down by my problems and issues yet to be dealt with. I want to be able to eat a meal with John or anyone else and not monitor myself to make sure I’m eating appropriately, all the while planning the binge later that night that will compensate for earlier. I want to eat the same way no matter where I am or who I’m with. I don’t want to feel like I have to hide my eating behaviors. I want to be balanced and normal. I don’t want to deprive myself or gorge myself. I don’t want to feel judged or looked down upon like many years ago when my Grandpa made some kind of a comment about my weight, or all the times my mom or dad made some kind of a comment on my weight or my portion size. When my Grandpa made that comment to me I felt a profound feeling of shame. It hurt me so bad…like I was a guilty grubby kid.

I remember my mom telling me when I was 18 I could eat whatever I wanted and make my own decisions. I looked forward to the time I could go to the store, but a whole thing of ice cream, and eat as much of it as I want. I can now, and I do. And it makes me happy for a while until the grossiness, heaviness kicks in. Until I want to move and have energy to play tennis and to just live as a young adult.

Some background info

2005-03-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

So, I've been keeping a journal on my computer for about a year on and off with a lot of my thoughts about food/eating. I started it shortly after I stopped doing Atkins. I've decided to post excerpts from it so I can have all of my journaling about this topic in one spot, and also to provide everyone some insight into what I've already thought/written about.

Crappy Eating Makes Me Feel Like Crap

2005-03-07T09:10:00.000-08:00

Well this weekend I have eaten like crap. Cookies/brownies/cheetos/chocolate milk....blah, blah, blah. A little of that stuff is fine...great in fact. But, when I eat a bunch of it it makes me feel like crap...physically and emotionally. I feel like a failure when I do.
I've been doing pretty good with improving my eating patterns with the help of weight watchers guildlines. I"ve been eating more whole foods..more fruit...more vegies. I lost 3 pounds the first week even though I wasn't being strict and absolutist about it. This week I'm sure I've gained those 3 pounds back and then some. It's that whole rebellion thing. I absolutly can not succeed on a "plan" that is black and white. The moment my eating feels restricted I want to eat everything. I've been trying to just use the weight watchers experience as a guide to better eating...and I have felt better eating foods with less fat and sugar...However, it is not as satisfying emotionally as a big old plate of warm brownies....why?

Comments
Because the real stuff is the devil. ;) I\‘m with you all the way Buck. I love ya and know you can do this!
Written by: Shells at 2005/03/08 - 03:03

Here We go!!!

2005-03-05T09:07:00.000-08:00

Here We go!!! Welcome to my blog...my journal...my place to figure stuff out. I will use this blog as a place to keep track of the many whirling thoughts I have regaurding my weight loss journey. I'm sure it will be filled with struggle, confussion, anger, hope, hopelessnes, triumph, and maybe even joy. I hope it is helpful to me, my friends and family as they stand/walk along my path, and maybe even people I don't know who are on a similar journey.

Comments:

We‘re with you all the way!
Written by: John at 2005/03/05 - 19:33

Your journey will likely be a long one. It doesn‘t however have to be one frought with pain, hurt, and emotionally numbing. After reading your blog (I am a liscensed social worker) I would recommend that you seek treatment with a therapist who is trained in eating disorders and body image issues. Your feelings of depression are very present in your writing and are a little concerning. I do hope you have a good support system; however you were writing and said you were and felt alone and then you mentioned your in-laws so I‘m not sure how much support you feel you are getting from your spouse. Don‘t go this alone. Set small goals that are atainable (ie. doing some type of physical activity one day a week) and work from there. Write these goals down and then cross them off as you accomplish them. This will provide you with concrete evidence that you are making progress and in fact not a failure. This is a journey that a lot of people sturggle with, you are not alone! Keep working at it. Use the boards as support. You have my e-mail if you feel like being in contact. Best of luck.
Written by: Jennifer at 2005/03/09 - 01:29